Wrote this on day 129, but today is actually day 136 :(
Well.... Day 129 and I'm in the office today. Waiting for my boss to give me the documents I need to complete a task. But, I am not in the office everyday. I go in once every 2-3 weeks. There are only 5 people in the building and I have zero interaction with them.
Last week was a shit show. K's best friends decided to gang up on her emotionally about our newest wedding decision. I last wrote on 6/10 that we decided to elope. That didn't last long. K's mom really wanted to be there. So, we decided to have 10 people come to a small ceremony in Savannah. Then new restrictions and the cases rising made us reconsider. We are now settled into having a Zoom ceremony where everyone can attended via the internet. K is excited about the possibilities of it.
BUT, her two best friends are being total dicks about it now and making it about their feelings instead of our wedding. Honestly, the same questions keep getting brought up. Why are you doing it like this? Why don't you wait until 2021? Why don't you have the justice of the peace legally marry you and then have a ceremony next year? Why, why, why, why! I'm so incredibly sick of fielding questions about our decisions. If you haven't taken the time to consider the position we are in with our whole situation and then tell us you don't understand or it doesn't sound like what we want.... You're right! It isn't what we want! But we are living in a global pandemic and in 2019 we decided to wait for the UMC general conference that was postponed this year. We are tired of putting our life on hold for other people. We are ready to start our lives being married to one another. We want to begin creating a family.
Friday, July 17, 2020
Wednesday, June 10, 2020
Aftermath
Today is day 89 of social isolation.
March 13th was nearly 3 months ago and 3 weeks before the shit hit the familial fan.
On April 6th, my brother's wife had a mental health emergency. In the midst of it, K & I managed to convince them to let us take my 6-month old niece to our house for respite. If we only knew then what we know now...
We spent the first week navigating infuriating phone calls with no real plan in place (though that ended up being what happened the entire time, little to no plan in place) and my parents taking a complete and utter backseat to problem solving with us. She stayed with us for 6 weeks and went back to her parents on 5/16.
It's been such a swirl of emotions. While the shitty parts were occurring, I was more than ready for her to go home (those parts being her parents lack of cohesion and driving us nuts). But in the good parts.... She was our child, we became a little family, and boy oh boy does it hurt that she is gone now.
I can hardly look at the pictures/videos they post of her without busting into tears. I've been a mess with pushing K, too. I'm so ready for that part of my life to begin NOW. I want to be married NOW. I want to start trying to have kids NOW.
Life is far too short which is even more apparent now. But we can't see eye to eye about it. K still wants some semblance of a wedding ceremony that will never be what we dreamed of. The pandemic caused the UMC to postpone the vote we have been waiting for and delaying our wedding for to honor her parents. Our church STILL has not a decision. Her dad is in an even more precarious job position.
Speaking of K's parents. Her dad finally admitted that he would not want a single picture of himself on the internet placing him at our ceremony and would rather we elope. Talked with K about it and after lots of tears we decided to elope. Well... we told K's parents and K's mom didn't like that we had uninvited them which meant that she and K's dad never had a discussion about what he and I talked about... So very frustrating. Now, parents are invited but not sure if the whole photo debacle still exists.
There have been mass protests all over the country about police violence against black people after there were several well documented cases happening all in a row. The government response was to send the military to the riots and protests. First amendment rights went out the window. We watched protesters be gassed and hit with rubber bullets in the middle of the day because the president wanted a photo op. We are falling into a fascist regime with a dictator and it is very scary to see so many people who range from apathetic to downright unbelieving that there is anything wrong happening. K and I have donated like crazy, posted resources and acted in solidarity, but my anxiety about being in crowds right now during the pandemic have kept us from protesting. Our privilege is very apparent these days and we are trying to keep vigilant to our reflex reactions and make changes to our unconscious bias. This will be a lifelong journey to be anti-racist.
Whew. This has been the hardest 3 months I've had in the last few years.
March 13th was nearly 3 months ago and 3 weeks before the shit hit the familial fan.
On April 6th, my brother's wife had a mental health emergency. In the midst of it, K & I managed to convince them to let us take my 6-month old niece to our house for respite. If we only knew then what we know now...
We spent the first week navigating infuriating phone calls with no real plan in place (though that ended up being what happened the entire time, little to no plan in place) and my parents taking a complete and utter backseat to problem solving with us. She stayed with us for 6 weeks and went back to her parents on 5/16.
It's been such a swirl of emotions. While the shitty parts were occurring, I was more than ready for her to go home (those parts being her parents lack of cohesion and driving us nuts). But in the good parts.... She was our child, we became a little family, and boy oh boy does it hurt that she is gone now.
I can hardly look at the pictures/videos they post of her without busting into tears. I've been a mess with pushing K, too. I'm so ready for that part of my life to begin NOW. I want to be married NOW. I want to start trying to have kids NOW.
Life is far too short which is even more apparent now. But we can't see eye to eye about it. K still wants some semblance of a wedding ceremony that will never be what we dreamed of. The pandemic caused the UMC to postpone the vote we have been waiting for and delaying our wedding for to honor her parents. Our church STILL has not a decision. Her dad is in an even more precarious job position.
Speaking of K's parents. Her dad finally admitted that he would not want a single picture of himself on the internet placing him at our ceremony and would rather we elope. Talked with K about it and after lots of tears we decided to elope. Well... we told K's parents and K's mom didn't like that we had uninvited them which meant that she and K's dad never had a discussion about what he and I talked about... So very frustrating. Now, parents are invited but not sure if the whole photo debacle still exists.
There have been mass protests all over the country about police violence against black people after there were several well documented cases happening all in a row. The government response was to send the military to the riots and protests. First amendment rights went out the window. We watched protesters be gassed and hit with rubber bullets in the middle of the day because the president wanted a photo op. We are falling into a fascist regime with a dictator and it is very scary to see so many people who range from apathetic to downright unbelieving that there is anything wrong happening. K and I have donated like crazy, posted resources and acted in solidarity, but my anxiety about being in crowds right now during the pandemic have kept us from protesting. Our privilege is very apparent these days and we are trying to keep vigilant to our reflex reactions and make changes to our unconscious bias. This will be a lifelong journey to be anti-racist.
Whew. This has been the hardest 3 months I've had in the last few years.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Posterity Post
To my future kids and grandkids:
1. Today is day 15 of social isolation.
2. On 3/12, people started panic buying groceries. I'm sad to say we did too, but part of my anxiety stems from not being prepared. We bought $500 worth of groceries. We are still eating off of the groceries we already bought (with 2 supplemental purchases, pasta is a hot commodity, we even made homemade pasta yesterday)
3. K and I have both been working from home. I'm in the living room since my job has transitioned finally and I am on the phone less. K calls her work from home life, "Conference call hell." She is on 5-6 video conference calls per day plus regular calls intermittently.
4. I am struggling with making my parents completely stay at home. I had an emotional reaction to hearing they went inside the grocery store in the middle of the day when we had settled on pickup or delivery. K has tried to rationalize with me since then, but my friend, H, is an ICU nurse and has been sending me pictures of her safety procedures. If either of them were to get sick with massive complications, there are no visitors at all allowed at the hospital. People are dying alone without family getting to say goodbye to them.
5. As of today, I trust very few people to advise on the best course of action.
6. I do not mind in the least that we have been forced to slow down and be present. I'm incredibly sad though that it has to happen due illness and death.
7. K and I are starting to get on each other's nerves a smidge. She is endlessly mad about this project that her boss has assigned her. In the meantime, I'm avoiding busy work by writing this post lol
8. Truly, I've been able to move into a paralegal role in the last two weeks more than I have in the last 2 years. I've advocated for a client for public benefits and drafted half a dozen petitions/pleadings. Now to just finish the pesky senior paralegal app.
More later, that's all for today.
1. Today is day 15 of social isolation.
2. On 3/12, people started panic buying groceries. I'm sad to say we did too, but part of my anxiety stems from not being prepared. We bought $500 worth of groceries. We are still eating off of the groceries we already bought (with 2 supplemental purchases, pasta is a hot commodity, we even made homemade pasta yesterday)
3. K and I have both been working from home. I'm in the living room since my job has transitioned finally and I am on the phone less. K calls her work from home life, "Conference call hell." She is on 5-6 video conference calls per day plus regular calls intermittently.
4. I am struggling with making my parents completely stay at home. I had an emotional reaction to hearing they went inside the grocery store in the middle of the day when we had settled on pickup or delivery. K has tried to rationalize with me since then, but my friend, H, is an ICU nurse and has been sending me pictures of her safety procedures. If either of them were to get sick with massive complications, there are no visitors at all allowed at the hospital. People are dying alone without family getting to say goodbye to them.
5. As of today, I trust very few people to advise on the best course of action.
6. I do not mind in the least that we have been forced to slow down and be present. I'm incredibly sad though that it has to happen due illness and death.
7. K and I are starting to get on each other's nerves a smidge. She is endlessly mad about this project that her boss has assigned her. In the meantime, I'm avoiding busy work by writing this post lol
8. Truly, I've been able to move into a paralegal role in the last two weeks more than I have in the last 2 years. I've advocated for a client for public benefits and drafted half a dozen petitions/pleadings. Now to just finish the pesky senior paralegal app.
More later, that's all for today.
Monday, February 3, 2020
Whew
Work for the past month has been bananas. We were on a limited scope from December 15th until January 1st and in the midst of all of that, a co-worker got another job. I was doing 2.5 times the work I normally do and feeling like I was falling behind completely on everything.
BUT, I am now caught up for the most part and feel better about my position than I have since last spring. In the last 12 months, my project expanded with 3 new positions, a statewide hotline, and 2 new grants. It has been a huge transition supporting 2 additional people, not to mention that our workload tripled overnight in July. In spite of all of that, I kept the ship upright and I'm proud of that.
Could I have done it better? Probably. Did I take on too much outside of my day-to-day work? Oh, you betcha. I do think I solidified my abilities, and now hopefully will soon have the time to do some additional duties that I have not been able to take on until we hire a new person to take some of my administrative tasks.
This is the best I've felt professionally in my life.
BUT, I am now caught up for the most part and feel better about my position than I have since last spring. In the last 12 months, my project expanded with 3 new positions, a statewide hotline, and 2 new grants. It has been a huge transition supporting 2 additional people, not to mention that our workload tripled overnight in July. In spite of all of that, I kept the ship upright and I'm proud of that.
Could I have done it better? Probably. Did I take on too much outside of my day-to-day work? Oh, you betcha. I do think I solidified my abilities, and now hopefully will soon have the time to do some additional duties that I have not been able to take on until we hire a new person to take some of my administrative tasks.
This is the best I've felt professionally in my life.
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
Clarity
As I pressed post, she sent me a response. Not available that weekend. Send word if we come another time. That was it. Nothing about her life.
In that moment, realization hits, we really are strangers. I'm holding on to the girl from my past. She isn't her in the same way that I'm not me anymore. Clearly, she doesn't want to share anything with me. Guess she wasn't bluffing when she said I don't deserve anything from her, it's true, but it hurts. I got my hopes up when she left the door open, but then shut it again by deciding not to write anything about her. Hope this moves me closer to acceptance or closure of a relationship that is in the past now.
Why do I live in the past so much? I'm eaten up inside with all of the mistakes I've made and who I used to be and who I've hurt.
I don't disappear like I used to. I've tried to own up to my faults and apologize to those that I've hurt. I wish I could stop telling myself I'm the worst. In reality, I'm really not. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.
In that moment, realization hits, we really are strangers. I'm holding on to the girl from my past. She isn't her in the same way that I'm not me anymore. Clearly, she doesn't want to share anything with me. Guess she wasn't bluffing when she said I don't deserve anything from her, it's true, but it hurts. I got my hopes up when she left the door open, but then shut it again by deciding not to write anything about her. Hope this moves me closer to acceptance or closure of a relationship that is in the past now.
Why do I live in the past so much? I'm eaten up inside with all of the mistakes I've made and who I used to be and who I've hurt.
I don't disappear like I used to. I've tried to own up to my faults and apologize to those that I've hurt. I wish I could stop telling myself I'm the worst. In reality, I'm really not. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.
Anxious
There are so many emotions happening right now.
About a month ago, I sent an apology message to my best friend from high school. I had no response for the last month and had peace that I had tried to apologize even if I got no response.
Bam, response yesterday. Half hurt, half curious to know more. God, having to revisit the worst part of my life was traumatic. But, she deserved honesty. Though, looking back now, I guess I could've been less descriptive.
I wrote a long and heartfelt look at why I disappeared. She responded with a kind, but short response. Now, I'm overthinking my last response because in my initial apology, I said K and I would be in LA in February. At the time, that was true. Then we bought K a new car (very exciting, albeit, costly) and decided not to go on the trip. That decision was made on Sunday. I received the response on Tuesday. So, I said yesterday that we hadn't booked the tickets yet. This seemed sketchy to me, so this morning I followed up with an explanation.
Radio silence. Rationally, it is still 8:30 AM in LA, need to give her more time to respond. Irrationally, I'm a hot mess. I have been since 12:30 yesterday when she responded for the first time. I'm jumping at every notification, hoping she will respond.
Please, God, help me release the anxiety I feel. I cannot control the outcome of this interaction. I owned my failure, I apologized, and expressed what I wanted moving forward. There is nothing more I can do. Please give me peace and acceptance for whatever may come now. Amen.
About a month ago, I sent an apology message to my best friend from high school. I had no response for the last month and had peace that I had tried to apologize even if I got no response.
Bam, response yesterday. Half hurt, half curious to know more. God, having to revisit the worst part of my life was traumatic. But, she deserved honesty. Though, looking back now, I guess I could've been less descriptive.
I wrote a long and heartfelt look at why I disappeared. She responded with a kind, but short response. Now, I'm overthinking my last response because in my initial apology, I said K and I would be in LA in February. At the time, that was true. Then we bought K a new car (very exciting, albeit, costly) and decided not to go on the trip. That decision was made on Sunday. I received the response on Tuesday. So, I said yesterday that we hadn't booked the tickets yet. This seemed sketchy to me, so this morning I followed up with an explanation.
Radio silence. Rationally, it is still 8:30 AM in LA, need to give her more time to respond. Irrationally, I'm a hot mess. I have been since 12:30 yesterday when she responded for the first time. I'm jumping at every notification, hoping she will respond.
Please, God, help me release the anxiety I feel. I cannot control the outcome of this interaction. I owned my failure, I apologized, and expressed what I wanted moving forward. There is nothing more I can do. Please give me peace and acceptance for whatever may come now. Amen.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Just a little 'stitious
Welp. This year I cannot seem to make consistent blog posts. Not that these posts are for anyone else except me. Why am I the way that I am??? I am sitting here and critiquing the way I type, the phrasing that I am using, is "critiquing" actually a word? Checked google, yup, it is. I am a jumble of negative thoughts and hardcore emotions brewing together right now. Not usually a recipe for successful Rachel, but onward I trudge.
Back on WW. Having good success. But struggling with becoming obsessed about it then also making it past the 3-6 month hump. Will this time be the time we stick with it and I finally make some lasting life changes for the 1st time since I was 20 years old?? We started in July, I weighed in at 271.7 and as of today I am at 251.4; total of 20.3 lost, but no one notices unless I show them a comparative picture. A good friend reminded me that it is not about what people notice, but what I notice. That's true. It's also true that words of affirmation are one of my top love languages and getting positive confirmation of my success from people I admire is important to me. Trying to find the balance.
K helped me dress up my office a la Harry Potter/Hogwarts for Halloween for the kids of my colleagues to trick or treat today. It was a lot of fun to create. I enjoy seeing ideas come to life. I struggle with the plan to create, the execution, and adjustments when it doesn't quite work. K is teaching me a bit to see beyond the problem to the solution, but this is so deeply ingrained in how I respond to difficulty. Feeling a bit self conscious that other people will judge my choice to go a little overboard, but I love HP so, fuck it.
New wedding plan has come together. After that post in June, we finally had a sit down with K's parents. By sit down, I mean we went to their house to have dinner, play board games, then at 9:45 PM K finally piped up about what we wanted to do. E was very docile about it, better than I thought she would be. P on the other hand, word vomited his concerns about timing even after we said we would wait until 2020. Overall, more positive than negative, so we will see what happens in the next 12 months.
K loves me more than ever lately. We had some amazing intimacy the past few times we had sex, which is my favorite, but so emotional. I cry each time, she almost cried last time (which is incredible because I have seen K cry only 4-5 times in the past 5 years). She is always happier when we are having success with weight loss.
Utterly distracted now by: work, texts, anxiety, etc. Will write again sometime... Who knows when..
Back on WW. Having good success. But struggling with becoming obsessed about it then also making it past the 3-6 month hump. Will this time be the time we stick with it and I finally make some lasting life changes for the 1st time since I was 20 years old?? We started in July, I weighed in at 271.7 and as of today I am at 251.4; total of 20.3 lost, but no one notices unless I show them a comparative picture. A good friend reminded me that it is not about what people notice, but what I notice. That's true. It's also true that words of affirmation are one of my top love languages and getting positive confirmation of my success from people I admire is important to me. Trying to find the balance.
K helped me dress up my office a la Harry Potter/Hogwarts for Halloween for the kids of my colleagues to trick or treat today. It was a lot of fun to create. I enjoy seeing ideas come to life. I struggle with the plan to create, the execution, and adjustments when it doesn't quite work. K is teaching me a bit to see beyond the problem to the solution, but this is so deeply ingrained in how I respond to difficulty. Feeling a bit self conscious that other people will judge my choice to go a little overboard, but I love HP so, fuck it.
New wedding plan has come together. After that post in June, we finally had a sit down with K's parents. By sit down, I mean we went to their house to have dinner, play board games, then at 9:45 PM K finally piped up about what we wanted to do. E was very docile about it, better than I thought she would be. P on the other hand, word vomited his concerns about timing even after we said we would wait until 2020. Overall, more positive than negative, so we will see what happens in the next 12 months.
K loves me more than ever lately. We had some amazing intimacy the past few times we had sex, which is my favorite, but so emotional. I cry each time, she almost cried last time (which is incredible because I have seen K cry only 4-5 times in the past 5 years). She is always happier when we are having success with weight loss.
Utterly distracted now by: work, texts, anxiety, etc. Will write again sometime... Who knows when..
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