Wrote this on day 129, but today is actually day 136 :(
Well.... Day 129 and I'm in the office today. Waiting for my boss to give me the documents I need to complete a task. But, I am not in the office everyday. I go in once every 2-3 weeks. There are only 5 people in the building and I have zero interaction with them.
Last week was a shit show. K's best friends decided to gang up on her emotionally about our newest wedding decision. I last wrote on 6/10 that we decided to elope. That didn't last long. K's mom really wanted to be there. So, we decided to have 10 people come to a small ceremony in Savannah. Then new restrictions and the cases rising made us reconsider. We are now settled into having a Zoom ceremony where everyone can attended via the internet. K is excited about the possibilities of it.
BUT, her two best friends are being total dicks about it now and making it about their feelings instead of our wedding. Honestly, the same questions keep getting brought up. Why are you doing it like this? Why don't you wait until 2021? Why don't you have the justice of the peace legally marry you and then have a ceremony next year? Why, why, why, why! I'm so incredibly sick of fielding questions about our decisions. If you haven't taken the time to consider the position we are in with our whole situation and then tell us you don't understand or it doesn't sound like what we want.... You're right! It isn't what we want! But we are living in a global pandemic and in 2019 we decided to wait for the UMC general conference that was postponed this year. We are tired of putting our life on hold for other people. We are ready to start our lives being married to one another. We want to begin creating a family.
Friday, July 17, 2020
Wednesday, June 10, 2020
Aftermath
Today is day 89 of social isolation.
March 13th was nearly 3 months ago and 3 weeks before the shit hit the familial fan.
On April 6th, my brother's wife had a mental health emergency. In the midst of it, K & I managed to convince them to let us take my 6-month old niece to our house for respite. If we only knew then what we know now...
We spent the first week navigating infuriating phone calls with no real plan in place (though that ended up being what happened the entire time, little to no plan in place) and my parents taking a complete and utter backseat to problem solving with us. She stayed with us for 6 weeks and went back to her parents on 5/16.
It's been such a swirl of emotions. While the shitty parts were occurring, I was more than ready for her to go home (those parts being her parents lack of cohesion and driving us nuts). But in the good parts.... She was our child, we became a little family, and boy oh boy does it hurt that she is gone now.
I can hardly look at the pictures/videos they post of her without busting into tears. I've been a mess with pushing K, too. I'm so ready for that part of my life to begin NOW. I want to be married NOW. I want to start trying to have kids NOW.
Life is far too short which is even more apparent now. But we can't see eye to eye about it. K still wants some semblance of a wedding ceremony that will never be what we dreamed of. The pandemic caused the UMC to postpone the vote we have been waiting for and delaying our wedding for to honor her parents. Our church STILL has not a decision. Her dad is in an even more precarious job position.
Speaking of K's parents. Her dad finally admitted that he would not want a single picture of himself on the internet placing him at our ceremony and would rather we elope. Talked with K about it and after lots of tears we decided to elope. Well... we told K's parents and K's mom didn't like that we had uninvited them which meant that she and K's dad never had a discussion about what he and I talked about... So very frustrating. Now, parents are invited but not sure if the whole photo debacle still exists.
There have been mass protests all over the country about police violence against black people after there were several well documented cases happening all in a row. The government response was to send the military to the riots and protests. First amendment rights went out the window. We watched protesters be gassed and hit with rubber bullets in the middle of the day because the president wanted a photo op. We are falling into a fascist regime with a dictator and it is very scary to see so many people who range from apathetic to downright unbelieving that there is anything wrong happening. K and I have donated like crazy, posted resources and acted in solidarity, but my anxiety about being in crowds right now during the pandemic have kept us from protesting. Our privilege is very apparent these days and we are trying to keep vigilant to our reflex reactions and make changes to our unconscious bias. This will be a lifelong journey to be anti-racist.
Whew. This has been the hardest 3 months I've had in the last few years.
March 13th was nearly 3 months ago and 3 weeks before the shit hit the familial fan.
On April 6th, my brother's wife had a mental health emergency. In the midst of it, K & I managed to convince them to let us take my 6-month old niece to our house for respite. If we only knew then what we know now...
We spent the first week navigating infuriating phone calls with no real plan in place (though that ended up being what happened the entire time, little to no plan in place) and my parents taking a complete and utter backseat to problem solving with us. She stayed with us for 6 weeks and went back to her parents on 5/16.
It's been such a swirl of emotions. While the shitty parts were occurring, I was more than ready for her to go home (those parts being her parents lack of cohesion and driving us nuts). But in the good parts.... She was our child, we became a little family, and boy oh boy does it hurt that she is gone now.
I can hardly look at the pictures/videos they post of her without busting into tears. I've been a mess with pushing K, too. I'm so ready for that part of my life to begin NOW. I want to be married NOW. I want to start trying to have kids NOW.
Life is far too short which is even more apparent now. But we can't see eye to eye about it. K still wants some semblance of a wedding ceremony that will never be what we dreamed of. The pandemic caused the UMC to postpone the vote we have been waiting for and delaying our wedding for to honor her parents. Our church STILL has not a decision. Her dad is in an even more precarious job position.
Speaking of K's parents. Her dad finally admitted that he would not want a single picture of himself on the internet placing him at our ceremony and would rather we elope. Talked with K about it and after lots of tears we decided to elope. Well... we told K's parents and K's mom didn't like that we had uninvited them which meant that she and K's dad never had a discussion about what he and I talked about... So very frustrating. Now, parents are invited but not sure if the whole photo debacle still exists.
There have been mass protests all over the country about police violence against black people after there were several well documented cases happening all in a row. The government response was to send the military to the riots and protests. First amendment rights went out the window. We watched protesters be gassed and hit with rubber bullets in the middle of the day because the president wanted a photo op. We are falling into a fascist regime with a dictator and it is very scary to see so many people who range from apathetic to downright unbelieving that there is anything wrong happening. K and I have donated like crazy, posted resources and acted in solidarity, but my anxiety about being in crowds right now during the pandemic have kept us from protesting. Our privilege is very apparent these days and we are trying to keep vigilant to our reflex reactions and make changes to our unconscious bias. This will be a lifelong journey to be anti-racist.
Whew. This has been the hardest 3 months I've had in the last few years.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Posterity Post
To my future kids and grandkids:
1. Today is day 15 of social isolation.
2. On 3/12, people started panic buying groceries. I'm sad to say we did too, but part of my anxiety stems from not being prepared. We bought $500 worth of groceries. We are still eating off of the groceries we already bought (with 2 supplemental purchases, pasta is a hot commodity, we even made homemade pasta yesterday)
3. K and I have both been working from home. I'm in the living room since my job has transitioned finally and I am on the phone less. K calls her work from home life, "Conference call hell." She is on 5-6 video conference calls per day plus regular calls intermittently.
4. I am struggling with making my parents completely stay at home. I had an emotional reaction to hearing they went inside the grocery store in the middle of the day when we had settled on pickup or delivery. K has tried to rationalize with me since then, but my friend, H, is an ICU nurse and has been sending me pictures of her safety procedures. If either of them were to get sick with massive complications, there are no visitors at all allowed at the hospital. People are dying alone without family getting to say goodbye to them.
5. As of today, I trust very few people to advise on the best course of action.
6. I do not mind in the least that we have been forced to slow down and be present. I'm incredibly sad though that it has to happen due illness and death.
7. K and I are starting to get on each other's nerves a smidge. She is endlessly mad about this project that her boss has assigned her. In the meantime, I'm avoiding busy work by writing this post lol
8. Truly, I've been able to move into a paralegal role in the last two weeks more than I have in the last 2 years. I've advocated for a client for public benefits and drafted half a dozen petitions/pleadings. Now to just finish the pesky senior paralegal app.
More later, that's all for today.
1. Today is day 15 of social isolation.
2. On 3/12, people started panic buying groceries. I'm sad to say we did too, but part of my anxiety stems from not being prepared. We bought $500 worth of groceries. We are still eating off of the groceries we already bought (with 2 supplemental purchases, pasta is a hot commodity, we even made homemade pasta yesterday)
3. K and I have both been working from home. I'm in the living room since my job has transitioned finally and I am on the phone less. K calls her work from home life, "Conference call hell." She is on 5-6 video conference calls per day plus regular calls intermittently.
4. I am struggling with making my parents completely stay at home. I had an emotional reaction to hearing they went inside the grocery store in the middle of the day when we had settled on pickup or delivery. K has tried to rationalize with me since then, but my friend, H, is an ICU nurse and has been sending me pictures of her safety procedures. If either of them were to get sick with massive complications, there are no visitors at all allowed at the hospital. People are dying alone without family getting to say goodbye to them.
5. As of today, I trust very few people to advise on the best course of action.
6. I do not mind in the least that we have been forced to slow down and be present. I'm incredibly sad though that it has to happen due illness and death.
7. K and I are starting to get on each other's nerves a smidge. She is endlessly mad about this project that her boss has assigned her. In the meantime, I'm avoiding busy work by writing this post lol
8. Truly, I've been able to move into a paralegal role in the last two weeks more than I have in the last 2 years. I've advocated for a client for public benefits and drafted half a dozen petitions/pleadings. Now to just finish the pesky senior paralegal app.
More later, that's all for today.
Monday, February 3, 2020
Whew
Work for the past month has been bananas. We were on a limited scope from December 15th until January 1st and in the midst of all of that, a co-worker got another job. I was doing 2.5 times the work I normally do and feeling like I was falling behind completely on everything.
BUT, I am now caught up for the most part and feel better about my position than I have since last spring. In the last 12 months, my project expanded with 3 new positions, a statewide hotline, and 2 new grants. It has been a huge transition supporting 2 additional people, not to mention that our workload tripled overnight in July. In spite of all of that, I kept the ship upright and I'm proud of that.
Could I have done it better? Probably. Did I take on too much outside of my day-to-day work? Oh, you betcha. I do think I solidified my abilities, and now hopefully will soon have the time to do some additional duties that I have not been able to take on until we hire a new person to take some of my administrative tasks.
This is the best I've felt professionally in my life.
BUT, I am now caught up for the most part and feel better about my position than I have since last spring. In the last 12 months, my project expanded with 3 new positions, a statewide hotline, and 2 new grants. It has been a huge transition supporting 2 additional people, not to mention that our workload tripled overnight in July. In spite of all of that, I kept the ship upright and I'm proud of that.
Could I have done it better? Probably. Did I take on too much outside of my day-to-day work? Oh, you betcha. I do think I solidified my abilities, and now hopefully will soon have the time to do some additional duties that I have not been able to take on until we hire a new person to take some of my administrative tasks.
This is the best I've felt professionally in my life.
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
Clarity
As I pressed post, she sent me a response. Not available that weekend. Send word if we come another time. That was it. Nothing about her life.
In that moment, realization hits, we really are strangers. I'm holding on to the girl from my past. She isn't her in the same way that I'm not me anymore. Clearly, she doesn't want to share anything with me. Guess she wasn't bluffing when she said I don't deserve anything from her, it's true, but it hurts. I got my hopes up when she left the door open, but then shut it again by deciding not to write anything about her. Hope this moves me closer to acceptance or closure of a relationship that is in the past now.
Why do I live in the past so much? I'm eaten up inside with all of the mistakes I've made and who I used to be and who I've hurt.
I don't disappear like I used to. I've tried to own up to my faults and apologize to those that I've hurt. I wish I could stop telling myself I'm the worst. In reality, I'm really not. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.
In that moment, realization hits, we really are strangers. I'm holding on to the girl from my past. She isn't her in the same way that I'm not me anymore. Clearly, she doesn't want to share anything with me. Guess she wasn't bluffing when she said I don't deserve anything from her, it's true, but it hurts. I got my hopes up when she left the door open, but then shut it again by deciding not to write anything about her. Hope this moves me closer to acceptance or closure of a relationship that is in the past now.
Why do I live in the past so much? I'm eaten up inside with all of the mistakes I've made and who I used to be and who I've hurt.
I don't disappear like I used to. I've tried to own up to my faults and apologize to those that I've hurt. I wish I could stop telling myself I'm the worst. In reality, I'm really not. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.
Anxious
There are so many emotions happening right now.
About a month ago, I sent an apology message to my best friend from high school. I had no response for the last month and had peace that I had tried to apologize even if I got no response.
Bam, response yesterday. Half hurt, half curious to know more. God, having to revisit the worst part of my life was traumatic. But, she deserved honesty. Though, looking back now, I guess I could've been less descriptive.
I wrote a long and heartfelt look at why I disappeared. She responded with a kind, but short response. Now, I'm overthinking my last response because in my initial apology, I said K and I would be in LA in February. At the time, that was true. Then we bought K a new car (very exciting, albeit, costly) and decided not to go on the trip. That decision was made on Sunday. I received the response on Tuesday. So, I said yesterday that we hadn't booked the tickets yet. This seemed sketchy to me, so this morning I followed up with an explanation.
Radio silence. Rationally, it is still 8:30 AM in LA, need to give her more time to respond. Irrationally, I'm a hot mess. I have been since 12:30 yesterday when she responded for the first time. I'm jumping at every notification, hoping she will respond.
Please, God, help me release the anxiety I feel. I cannot control the outcome of this interaction. I owned my failure, I apologized, and expressed what I wanted moving forward. There is nothing more I can do. Please give me peace and acceptance for whatever may come now. Amen.
About a month ago, I sent an apology message to my best friend from high school. I had no response for the last month and had peace that I had tried to apologize even if I got no response.
Bam, response yesterday. Half hurt, half curious to know more. God, having to revisit the worst part of my life was traumatic. But, she deserved honesty. Though, looking back now, I guess I could've been less descriptive.
I wrote a long and heartfelt look at why I disappeared. She responded with a kind, but short response. Now, I'm overthinking my last response because in my initial apology, I said K and I would be in LA in February. At the time, that was true. Then we bought K a new car (very exciting, albeit, costly) and decided not to go on the trip. That decision was made on Sunday. I received the response on Tuesday. So, I said yesterday that we hadn't booked the tickets yet. This seemed sketchy to me, so this morning I followed up with an explanation.
Radio silence. Rationally, it is still 8:30 AM in LA, need to give her more time to respond. Irrationally, I'm a hot mess. I have been since 12:30 yesterday when she responded for the first time. I'm jumping at every notification, hoping she will respond.
Please, God, help me release the anxiety I feel. I cannot control the outcome of this interaction. I owned my failure, I apologized, and expressed what I wanted moving forward. There is nothing more I can do. Please give me peace and acceptance for whatever may come now. Amen.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Just a little 'stitious
Welp. This year I cannot seem to make consistent blog posts. Not that these posts are for anyone else except me. Why am I the way that I am??? I am sitting here and critiquing the way I type, the phrasing that I am using, is "critiquing" actually a word? Checked google, yup, it is. I am a jumble of negative thoughts and hardcore emotions brewing together right now. Not usually a recipe for successful Rachel, but onward I trudge.
Back on WW. Having good success. But struggling with becoming obsessed about it then also making it past the 3-6 month hump. Will this time be the time we stick with it and I finally make some lasting life changes for the 1st time since I was 20 years old?? We started in July, I weighed in at 271.7 and as of today I am at 251.4; total of 20.3 lost, but no one notices unless I show them a comparative picture. A good friend reminded me that it is not about what people notice, but what I notice. That's true. It's also true that words of affirmation are one of my top love languages and getting positive confirmation of my success from people I admire is important to me. Trying to find the balance.
K helped me dress up my office a la Harry Potter/Hogwarts for Halloween for the kids of my colleagues to trick or treat today. It was a lot of fun to create. I enjoy seeing ideas come to life. I struggle with the plan to create, the execution, and adjustments when it doesn't quite work. K is teaching me a bit to see beyond the problem to the solution, but this is so deeply ingrained in how I respond to difficulty. Feeling a bit self conscious that other people will judge my choice to go a little overboard, but I love HP so, fuck it.
New wedding plan has come together. After that post in June, we finally had a sit down with K's parents. By sit down, I mean we went to their house to have dinner, play board games, then at 9:45 PM K finally piped up about what we wanted to do. E was very docile about it, better than I thought she would be. P on the other hand, word vomited his concerns about timing even after we said we would wait until 2020. Overall, more positive than negative, so we will see what happens in the next 12 months.
K loves me more than ever lately. We had some amazing intimacy the past few times we had sex, which is my favorite, but so emotional. I cry each time, she almost cried last time (which is incredible because I have seen K cry only 4-5 times in the past 5 years). She is always happier when we are having success with weight loss.
Utterly distracted now by: work, texts, anxiety, etc. Will write again sometime... Who knows when..
Back on WW. Having good success. But struggling with becoming obsessed about it then also making it past the 3-6 month hump. Will this time be the time we stick with it and I finally make some lasting life changes for the 1st time since I was 20 years old?? We started in July, I weighed in at 271.7 and as of today I am at 251.4; total of 20.3 lost, but no one notices unless I show them a comparative picture. A good friend reminded me that it is not about what people notice, but what I notice. That's true. It's also true that words of affirmation are one of my top love languages and getting positive confirmation of my success from people I admire is important to me. Trying to find the balance.
K helped me dress up my office a la Harry Potter/Hogwarts for Halloween for the kids of my colleagues to trick or treat today. It was a lot of fun to create. I enjoy seeing ideas come to life. I struggle with the plan to create, the execution, and adjustments when it doesn't quite work. K is teaching me a bit to see beyond the problem to the solution, but this is so deeply ingrained in how I respond to difficulty. Feeling a bit self conscious that other people will judge my choice to go a little overboard, but I love HP so, fuck it.
New wedding plan has come together. After that post in June, we finally had a sit down with K's parents. By sit down, I mean we went to their house to have dinner, play board games, then at 9:45 PM K finally piped up about what we wanted to do. E was very docile about it, better than I thought she would be. P on the other hand, word vomited his concerns about timing even after we said we would wait until 2020. Overall, more positive than negative, so we will see what happens in the next 12 months.
K loves me more than ever lately. We had some amazing intimacy the past few times we had sex, which is my favorite, but so emotional. I cry each time, she almost cried last time (which is incredible because I have seen K cry only 4-5 times in the past 5 years). She is always happier when we are having success with weight loss.
Utterly distracted now by: work, texts, anxiety, etc. Will write again sometime... Who knows when..
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Continually Upset
I am continually upset about the way K's parents treat her and our relationship. And the hardest part is that there really is no way to fix it without conversations that may never happen. I've been confronted with some hard thoughts over the past week, wondering if our wedding/marriage can really happen without their support.
After getting kicked out of my house as a young adult, I changed the way I interacted with my parents once we reconciled. Their opinions no longer carried the same weight, the decisions they wanted me to make stopped being commandments and started being optional. This has been a wonderful thing for me as they have learned to support me without enabling me. Something K's parents have yet to learn to do for their children.
On Sunday, we were at K's BFF's son's 2nd birthday party with her grandmother and mother. This was a setting I was already uncomfortable in as the people in this setting don't approve of K and I, nor have they ever been friendly to me. So, it was nice when someone K went to high school with spoke to me and asked questions. As she was asking me questions, she asked both K and I if we wanted kids. I immediately responded "yes" and K immediately responded "not sure". I looked around and saw K's mom walking away from our conversation. I made a comment to K about how her answer changed based on if her mom was listening or not, she mumbled some response and it was very uncomfortable and awkward.
I spent the rest of the day fighting off tears thinking that there was no way for our relationship to move forward. We had a fight in the car where I basically made an ultimatum, we need to break up or I can no longer spend time with both K and her mom in public, accusing K of either lying to me or her mom. She stated that she is fearful of the criticism she receives from her mom and so that is why she lies to her mom.
We haven't had another pre-marital counseling session since we came back from Alaska. We need one. I have so much I want to rant at her parents about. How much they have hurt her and affected our relationship. I'm not sure what to do or how we move forward when her family wont have hard conversations.
After getting kicked out of my house as a young adult, I changed the way I interacted with my parents once we reconciled. Their opinions no longer carried the same weight, the decisions they wanted me to make stopped being commandments and started being optional. This has been a wonderful thing for me as they have learned to support me without enabling me. Something K's parents have yet to learn to do for their children.
On Sunday, we were at K's BFF's son's 2nd birthday party with her grandmother and mother. This was a setting I was already uncomfortable in as the people in this setting don't approve of K and I, nor have they ever been friendly to me. So, it was nice when someone K went to high school with spoke to me and asked questions. As she was asking me questions, she asked both K and I if we wanted kids. I immediately responded "yes" and K immediately responded "not sure". I looked around and saw K's mom walking away from our conversation. I made a comment to K about how her answer changed based on if her mom was listening or not, she mumbled some response and it was very uncomfortable and awkward.
I spent the rest of the day fighting off tears thinking that there was no way for our relationship to move forward. We had a fight in the car where I basically made an ultimatum, we need to break up or I can no longer spend time with both K and her mom in public, accusing K of either lying to me or her mom. She stated that she is fearful of the criticism she receives from her mom and so that is why she lies to her mom.
We haven't had another pre-marital counseling session since we came back from Alaska. We need one. I have so much I want to rant at her parents about. How much they have hurt her and affected our relationship. I'm not sure what to do or how we move forward when her family wont have hard conversations.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
It's been awhile...
My last post was from January and was excited about the company we started..... Well.... got stalled out on that. But, what I appreciate about K is that she will dive head first into things with me whether or not it comes to fruition right away. Red Bottle Cap will be something that we can hopefully get off the ground someday, but for now, other things have taken precedent.
After lots of discussion, we decided to not get married this year. To be honest, I'm so deeply disappointed and more than ever do I want to elope, not giving two shits about anyone else but us. But that is not K's dream, maybe it will be eventually, but not today. I've become bitter about church and her father in the process. I need to probably talk to a therapist about it. I just re-read this article that K's dad has been toting around promoting moderate-ism. Seeing as he falls about as moderate as they come, his ideas make sense, but he doesn't seem to live it. He wants us to be happy, supports us privately, but publicly, that's a whole different story. He told me (after K's best friend dropped a hint to K's mom about a dress) that his participation in a wedding would "depend on how public it is." I'm not sure how he compartmentalizes all of this. It makes more sense now that K just straight up avoids any discussion of her sexuality and our impending marriage. It just continues to hurt.
I digress. This post is more about our most recent trip to NYC. I thought K was crazy for making me do a 24 turn-around, but I am so grateful now that she did. I've fallen in love with seeing musical theater on Broadway. It is very much not the same as the tours that come to the Fox. We can never afford the seats that are upfront for those shows and the Fox is so big, you lose the intimacy of the smaller Broadway theaters.
The show we saw was "The Prom." K found out about it after seeing the cast perform on the Macy's Day Parade and we weren't really paying attention until the two lead women kissed. This show.... I needed this show so very much when I was in high school. I was head over heels in love with my best friend in high school and would've probably given anything for her to feel the same way and for us to go to prom together (fun fact: she skipped her senior prom and invited a group of kids [me included but I didn't go] to go drink at a cabin). She later came out to me about 5 years after high school, and the funniest part was that it was in her childhood room where I spent so many hours pining after her. Back to the show, it portrays a small town girl wanting to go to the prom with her girlfriend, which causes an uproar, then a news story gets in the hands of a group of aging Broadway stars who then show up and hi-jinks ensue.
But, the best thing about this show is that while it shows heartbreak, oppression, and strife, the end is triumphant and such a happy ending. I bawled happy and sad tears at the same time watching the finale. Happy that they didn't make it an "it gets better" moment, but better is now! Sad that I wanted so badly to reclaim much of high school and be a more authentic me. I'm so thrilled that this next generation of LGBTQ+ youth will have representation in shows, television, media, etc. that is more positive than anything else portrayed previously. I've been teary-eyed and replaying the kiss from the musical on repeat.
Is it crazy that I have looked up flights and tickets to see the show again? "Fun Home" made me relate a couple of times, but it feels like, "The Prom" speaks directly to me. Anyhow, I just really wanna see more musicals now.
After lots of discussion, we decided to not get married this year. To be honest, I'm so deeply disappointed and more than ever do I want to elope, not giving two shits about anyone else but us. But that is not K's dream, maybe it will be eventually, but not today. I've become bitter about church and her father in the process. I need to probably talk to a therapist about it. I just re-read this article that K's dad has been toting around promoting moderate-ism. Seeing as he falls about as moderate as they come, his ideas make sense, but he doesn't seem to live it. He wants us to be happy, supports us privately, but publicly, that's a whole different story. He told me (after K's best friend dropped a hint to K's mom about a dress) that his participation in a wedding would "depend on how public it is." I'm not sure how he compartmentalizes all of this. It makes more sense now that K just straight up avoids any discussion of her sexuality and our impending marriage. It just continues to hurt.
I digress. This post is more about our most recent trip to NYC. I thought K was crazy for making me do a 24 turn-around, but I am so grateful now that she did. I've fallen in love with seeing musical theater on Broadway. It is very much not the same as the tours that come to the Fox. We can never afford the seats that are upfront for those shows and the Fox is so big, you lose the intimacy of the smaller Broadway theaters.
The show we saw was "The Prom." K found out about it after seeing the cast perform on the Macy's Day Parade and we weren't really paying attention until the two lead women kissed. This show.... I needed this show so very much when I was in high school. I was head over heels in love with my best friend in high school and would've probably given anything for her to feel the same way and for us to go to prom together (fun fact: she skipped her senior prom and invited a group of kids [me included but I didn't go] to go drink at a cabin). She later came out to me about 5 years after high school, and the funniest part was that it was in her childhood room where I spent so many hours pining after her. Back to the show, it portrays a small town girl wanting to go to the prom with her girlfriend, which causes an uproar, then a news story gets in the hands of a group of aging Broadway stars who then show up and hi-jinks ensue.
But, the best thing about this show is that while it shows heartbreak, oppression, and strife, the end is triumphant and such a happy ending. I bawled happy and sad tears at the same time watching the finale. Happy that they didn't make it an "it gets better" moment, but better is now! Sad that I wanted so badly to reclaim much of high school and be a more authentic me. I'm so thrilled that this next generation of LGBTQ+ youth will have representation in shows, television, media, etc. that is more positive than anything else portrayed previously. I've been teary-eyed and replaying the kiss from the musical on repeat.
Is it crazy that I have looked up flights and tickets to see the show again? "Fun Home" made me relate a couple of times, but it feels like, "The Prom" speaks directly to me. Anyhow, I just really wanna see more musicals now.
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Monday, January 14, 2019
Epiphany
I had an "Aha!" moment this morning reading a post about marriage. The author asked, "Are you trying to get your partner to love you? Marriage is about focusing your intention on loving the other person as best you can, while trusting that they are doing the same."
I've been doing a pretty terrible job at loving K as best I can. I have plenty of excuses for why I've been acting/speaking the way I have towards K lately, but I know one thing for sure, it has been a piss poor job of loving her. I've spent a lot of time feeling my own emotions (and asking K to hear me talk about them) while disregarding her emotions and needs. In fact, she confronted me about it twice recently and I responded poorly both times, crying and defensive.
I'm going to apologize tonight and set my intentions towards the growth of this awareness. She is the love of my life and I ought to be treating her that way.
I've been doing a pretty terrible job at loving K as best I can. I have plenty of excuses for why I've been acting/speaking the way I have towards K lately, but I know one thing for sure, it has been a piss poor job of loving her. I've spent a lot of time feeling my own emotions (and asking K to hear me talk about them) while disregarding her emotions and needs. In fact, she confronted me about it twice recently and I responded poorly both times, crying and defensive.
I'm going to apologize tonight and set my intentions towards the growth of this awareness. She is the love of my life and I ought to be treating her that way.
Monday, November 26, 2018
Finally Found Her
Sappy post warning: I am so incredibly lucky. It is pure luck that K and I ended up together. A fated moment that relied on others letting us down to bring us together. She manages to make me a better, happier version of myself. Even when we fight, we know neither one of us is going to run away, that we are in this for the long haul. She can make me laugh and smile with such simple things, she brings out the playfulness and joyfulness inside of me. All of this after being together for 4+ years.
I can only hope I provide her 1/10th of the amount of pure love she provides me.
I can only hope I provide her 1/10th of the amount of pure love she provides me.
Family Time
So, this Thanksgiving, we spent almost 5 straight days with K's family. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but, it was fairly fun. I'm glad they are in this new house with so many different gathering spaces. We could play games and watch movies in the basement. Eat and hang out in the kitchen area. The family room is attached to the kitchen and was home to lots of cooking shows and TV episodes. The formal living room was a getaway to talk to others without the TV or a great place to read a book. With 4 bedrooms, all of the out of towners had their own spaces too. Only problem was there was a lack of parking, but the neighbors were gone and we were able to use their driveway. I hope K and I can have a house like this someday, it felt nice to be included.
We made an epic cheese board (that cost almost $200) and everyone kept going on and on about it. I think we will have to make one every year now. I made some epic mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole as well. It was fun to show off my cooking abilities, I've gotten fairly good at making food.
K said we could spend that much time with my family over Christmas, but I don't think I would want to! My dad would make me mad more than he already does if we spent that much time together.
I hope this is another step towards acceptance though. I can only hope that the vote in February won't make it even harder with all of the UMC crap.
We made an epic cheese board (that cost almost $200) and everyone kept going on and on about it. I think we will have to make one every year now. I made some epic mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole as well. It was fun to show off my cooking abilities, I've gotten fairly good at making food.
K said we could spend that much time with my family over Christmas, but I don't think I would want to! My dad would make me mad more than he already does if we spent that much time together.
I hope this is another step towards acceptance though. I can only hope that the vote in February won't make it even harder with all of the UMC crap.
Friday, November 9, 2018
Connection and Intimacy
It is amazing how a little perspective can change something. K's BFF is making some curious choices in her marriage and it spurred some connection and intimacy in our relationship. It has felt so nice to be reconnected like that again after a fairly long period of time. I'm not sure if we have had that kind of intimacy in over a year. Scary to say that... We have had plenty of sex, but usually it was a means to an end and not something that was romantic and felt like a connection.
I think that is the one thing I would want our kids to understand. That sex does not equate intimacy and connection, a trusting, loving relationship is the only thing that can do that. Sex is often enjoyable in many ways, but intimacy is life-giving and soul enriching.
Also, all of that happened after my anxiety stuff earlier on Wednesday. K really is my perfect match, she was firm in having a better way to respond when I cannot reach her, but still very loving and understanding. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.
I think that is the one thing I would want our kids to understand. That sex does not equate intimacy and connection, a trusting, loving relationship is the only thing that can do that. Sex is often enjoyable in many ways, but intimacy is life-giving and soul enriching.
Also, all of that happened after my anxiety stuff earlier on Wednesday. K really is my perfect match, she was firm in having a better way to respond when I cannot reach her, but still very loving and understanding. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
I'm a jerk
If I haven't said it yet, I have anxiety and it can spiral out of control sometimes. Today was one of those days...
I hadn't gotten a response from a text from K, I couldn't see her location, and then tried to call and the phone did a weird thing where it wouldn't ring at all. Then when I called back some other person answered the phone and hung up immediately. I proceeded to call back 6 more times and when she answered, she assumed that something was really wrong on my end. When she realized it was all me overreacting, she was less than pleased.
I'm gutted that I interrupted her work meeting, made her feel like I was being controlling, and made her mad at me for calling six times in a row.
I've deleted my ability to see her location and am currently crying in my office and feeling like a total jerk. Serves me right....
I need to get my anxiety under control...
Went back and listened to the song I wrote in 2011 about A, feeling like it is summing up what I just did now...
I hadn't gotten a response from a text from K, I couldn't see her location, and then tried to call and the phone did a weird thing where it wouldn't ring at all. Then when I called back some other person answered the phone and hung up immediately. I proceeded to call back 6 more times and when she answered, she assumed that something was really wrong on my end. When she realized it was all me overreacting, she was less than pleased.
I'm gutted that I interrupted her work meeting, made her feel like I was being controlling, and made her mad at me for calling six times in a row.
I've deleted my ability to see her location and am currently crying in my office and feeling like a total jerk. Serves me right....
I need to get my anxiety under control...
Went back and listened to the song I wrote in 2011 about A, feeling like it is summing up what I just did now...
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Election Day
Attempted to sleep/lounge in and it backfired. I truly believed there would be fewer people in the line this morning because of the early voting turn out. Serves me right. I will now stand in line around 4:00 PM instead. May still take me an hour and a half but at least my day will be behind me rather than in front of me.
Feels hard to say this, but I am less than hopeful to see the outcomes today. The last two years have felt like such a slog to get through it. All of that to say that I am a middle class white woman, I do not have it hard for those reasons. Yes, I'm a gender non-conforming, lesbian, woman, but the white part means that I will always have it better than others for the rest of my life.
Once again, I know better than to read the comments on anything, yet I seem to be drawn to feeling the live wire of people's unbridled opinions on things. They are visceral and sensational, more so than at any other time in my life currently. The fear and anger radiating off of conservative, white people, is so alive that it jumps off of the page. There are fewer coded words and more directly racist things being said by those in and out of the public spotlight.
The correlation of WWII Nazi-ism and today is extremely relevant. I'd be curious what it is like in History class in high schools around the country. What are the teachers saying to students about things like suppression of voters, harmful rhetoric, and the invalidation of media outlets? I know what my asshole U.S. History/Current Events teacher (really just the soccer coach who masqueraded as a "teacher") is probably saying to a classroom full of students in the now smaller county he works in. He showed us Bowling for Columbine then asked to write a paper on the 2nd amendment and we would have a discussion. He did such a poor job at reigning in the vocal conservative kids that one poor girl was scapegoated for the rest of the semester and labeled as, "emotional."
I have walked around with thoughts in my head like, "prepare yourself to see the worst in people" and "it is extremely unlikely that Georgia will elect an African-American woman as governor." I WANT to be hopeful and think that it is possibly to defy the odds, but after 2016 I lost my verve for positivism in this political landscape.
Feels hard to say this, but I am less than hopeful to see the outcomes today. The last two years have felt like such a slog to get through it. All of that to say that I am a middle class white woman, I do not have it hard for those reasons. Yes, I'm a gender non-conforming, lesbian, woman, but the white part means that I will always have it better than others for the rest of my life.
Once again, I know better than to read the comments on anything, yet I seem to be drawn to feeling the live wire of people's unbridled opinions on things. They are visceral and sensational, more so than at any other time in my life currently. The fear and anger radiating off of conservative, white people, is so alive that it jumps off of the page. There are fewer coded words and more directly racist things being said by those in and out of the public spotlight.
The correlation of WWII Nazi-ism and today is extremely relevant. I'd be curious what it is like in History class in high schools around the country. What are the teachers saying to students about things like suppression of voters, harmful rhetoric, and the invalidation of media outlets? I know what my asshole U.S. History/Current Events teacher (really just the soccer coach who masqueraded as a "teacher") is probably saying to a classroom full of students in the now smaller county he works in. He showed us Bowling for Columbine then asked to write a paper on the 2nd amendment and we would have a discussion. He did such a poor job at reigning in the vocal conservative kids that one poor girl was scapegoated for the rest of the semester and labeled as, "emotional."
I have walked around with thoughts in my head like, "prepare yourself to see the worst in people" and "it is extremely unlikely that Georgia will elect an African-American woman as governor." I WANT to be hopeful and think that it is possibly to defy the odds, but after 2016 I lost my verve for positivism in this political landscape.
Monday, October 8, 2018
Church
After a third friend posted this same article about faux LGBTQ+ churches, I feel compelled to hash out my feelings as I always do here. I am a member of a United Methodist Church. Currently, the UMC does not allow same-sex couples to marry in the church or allow clergy to marry same-sex couples anywhere. I knew all of this going into becoming a member, and even contemplated whether or not I should join the church in such a predicament seeing as K and I actively want to be married by our pastors inside the church building. The leadership at the church has been more than transparent and even created a celebration of marriage policy that would allow us to have a "service" in the building provided we were already civilly married. Still feels very separate but equal (which never ends well).
Edit: I started writing this a couple weeks ago and never finished my thoughts. Tomorrow, I'm going to speak with one of our pastors to talk about what we are going to talk about on Sunday for Pride. I'm not sure what I bring to the table other than hurt, but we will see.
I am still more than upset we are meeting at a school, the music is sub par at best (we sang the chorus of a song TEN times on Sunday), and I just feel so disconnected sometimes.
Edit: I started writing this a couple weeks ago and never finished my thoughts. Tomorrow, I'm going to speak with one of our pastors to talk about what we are going to talk about on Sunday for Pride. I'm not sure what I bring to the table other than hurt, but we will see.
I am still more than upset we are meeting at a school, the music is sub par at best (we sang the chorus of a song TEN times on Sunday), and I just feel so disconnected sometimes.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Anxiety
I was just watching a youtube video of Naomi Osaka who beat Serena Williams in the US Open last weekend (with much controversy surrounding the match), and I was uncomfortable watching her interact with Ellen DeGeneres on her show. She is very obviously not comfortable in the spotlight due to some form of introversion/anxiety. It made me think that I should try to be more open about how I feel about someone who is awkward in social situations. I am fairly comfortable meeting and talking to new people (I have my moments where I'm not). But, I cringe at people who struggle with conversation. I wonder if it is because of my brother, knowing and seeing what happened to him when he tried to interact socially (both when he was younger and even this summer at Uncle D's wedding). People can be cruel and mean to those who don't follow the "normalized" version of interacting with others.
We had small group last night (finally back at Manuel's Tavern!) and it was all about being a good listener and being seen. I felt most seen when I gave my words of witness to the church, but I had also never felt more anxious beforehand. I've always been fairly good at showing my best/happiest self in public, but behind the scenes I am melting down into a puddle of anxiety/depression. K sees me wholly and completely, she even checked in after small group to make sure that I know that she sees me for me. Felt very loved in that moment. I hope she feels the same.
Long story short, I can do better. As a person, friend, fiancee, at giving people a more authentic me and being understanding of others in their awkward moments.
We had small group last night (finally back at Manuel's Tavern!) and it was all about being a good listener and being seen. I felt most seen when I gave my words of witness to the church, but I had also never felt more anxious beforehand. I've always been fairly good at showing my best/happiest self in public, but behind the scenes I am melting down into a puddle of anxiety/depression. K sees me wholly and completely, she even checked in after small group to make sure that I know that she sees me for me. Felt very loved in that moment. I hope she feels the same.
Long story short, I can do better. As a person, friend, fiancee, at giving people a more authentic me and being understanding of others in their awkward moments.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Updates
K's mom's surgery went well. Good margins, now waiting for pathology and the oncologist appointment in two weeks.
K acts differently when she is with her mom. It is incredibly annoying, because she doesn't think it is happening and then blames my own sensitivity on it. I'm sure we will have a fight about it later tonight.
I wish I didn't turn to food whenever I am stressed. It is my first instinct now. After getting upset over the way K acts with her mom, my first thought is to turn to food... such a bad habit I need to break.
I was feeling good today, got a lot of work done, and now this. I don't have any mental fortitude. I wish I didn't feel things so viscerally.
K acts differently when she is with her mom. It is incredibly annoying, because she doesn't think it is happening and then blames my own sensitivity on it. I'm sure we will have a fight about it later tonight.
I wish I didn't turn to food whenever I am stressed. It is my first instinct now. After getting upset over the way K acts with her mom, my first thought is to turn to food... such a bad habit I need to break.
I was feeling good today, got a lot of work done, and now this. I don't have any mental fortitude. I wish I didn't feel things so viscerally.
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Moving
So, K has talked me into moving into D's apartment when his tenants move out in October. It is exciting, but it also complicates our relationship with her family even more. We would lease our condo and then D would get the proceeds from that and then we would keep paying our individual mortgages? It is all very confusing...
Long term it will work out better for us with kids (if this doesn't get more complicated, seeing as her father will have an opinion on it, which neither her nor her mother have decided to clue him in on any of this as of yet...). Having more space and the bedrooms upstairs will allow us to have a good set up for putting the kids to bed then still being able to have people over.
We will see what happens.
Long term it will work out better for us with kids (if this doesn't get more complicated, seeing as her father will have an opinion on it, which neither her nor her mother have decided to clue him in on any of this as of yet...). Having more space and the bedrooms upstairs will allow us to have a good set up for putting the kids to bed then still being able to have people over.
We will see what happens.
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