Election Day

Attempted to sleep/lounge in and it backfired. I truly believed there would be fewer people in the line this morning because of the early voting turn out. Serves me right. I will now stand in line around 4:00 PM instead. May still take me an hour and a half but at least my day will be behind me rather than in front of me.

Feels hard to say this, but I am less than hopeful to see the outcomes today. The last two years have felt like such a slog to get through it. All of that to say that I am a middle class white woman, I do not have it hard for those reasons. Yes, I'm a gender non-conforming, lesbian, woman, but the white part means that I will always have it better than others for the rest of my life.

Once again, I know better than to read the comments on anything, yet I seem to be drawn to feeling the live wire of people's unbridled opinions on things. They are visceral and sensational, more so than at any other time in my life currently. The fear and anger radiating off of conservative, white people, is so alive that it jumps off of the page. There are fewer coded words and more directly racist things being said by those in and out of the public spotlight.

The correlation of WWII Nazi-ism and today is extremely relevant. I'd be curious what it is like in History class in high schools around the country. What are the teachers saying to students about things like suppression of voters, harmful rhetoric, and the invalidation of media outlets? I know what my asshole U.S. History/Current Events teacher (really just the soccer coach who masqueraded as a "teacher") is probably saying to a classroom full of students in the now smaller county he works in. He showed us Bowling for Columbine then asked to write a paper on the 2nd amendment and we would have a discussion. He did such a poor job at reigning in the vocal conservative kids that one poor girl was scapegoated for the rest of the semester and labeled as, "emotional."

I have walked around with thoughts in my head like, "prepare yourself to see the worst in people" and "it is extremely unlikely that Georgia will elect an African-American woman as governor." I WANT to be hopeful and think that it is possibly to defy the odds, but after 2016 I lost my verve for positivism in this political landscape.

Church

After a third friend posted this same article about faux LGBTQ+ churches, I feel compelled to hash out my feelings as I always do here. I am a member of a United Methodist Church. Currently, the UMC does not allow same-sex couples to marry in the church or allow clergy to marry same-sex couples anywhere. I knew all of this going into becoming a member, and even contemplated whether or not I should join the church in such a predicament seeing as K and I actively want to be married by our pastors inside the church building. The leadership at the church has been more than transparent and even created a celebration of marriage policy that would allow us to have a "service" in the building provided we were already civilly married. Still feels very separate but equal (which never ends well).

Edit: I started writing this a couple weeks ago and never finished my thoughts. Tomorrow, I'm going to speak with one of our pastors to talk about what we are going to talk about on Sunday for Pride. I'm not sure what I bring to the table other than hurt, but we will see.

I am still more than upset we are meeting at a school, the music is sub par at best (we sang the chorus of a song TEN times on Sunday), and I just feel so disconnected sometimes.

Anxiety

I was just watching a youtube video of Naomi Osaka who beat Serena Williams in the US Open last weekend (with much controversy surrounding the match), and I was uncomfortable watching her interact with Ellen DeGeneres on her show. She is very obviously not comfortable in the spotlight due to some form of introversion/anxiety. It made me think that I should try to be more open about how I feel about someone who is awkward in social situations. I am fairly comfortable meeting and talking to new people (I have my moments where I'm not). But, I cringe at people who struggle with conversation. I wonder if it is because of my brother, knowing and seeing what happened to him when he tried to interact socially (both when he was younger and even this summer at Uncle D's wedding). People can be cruel and mean to those who don't follow the "normalized" version of interacting with others.

We had small group last night (finally back at Manuel's Tavern!) and it was all about being a good listener and being seen. I felt most seen when I gave my words of witness to the church, but I had also never felt more anxious beforehand. I've always been fairly good at showing my best/happiest self in public, but behind the scenes I am melting down into a puddle of anxiety/depression. K sees me wholly and completely, she even checked in after small group to make sure that I know that she sees me for me. Felt very loved in that moment. I hope she feels the same.

Long story short, I can do better. As a person, friend, fiancee, at giving people a more authentic me and being understanding of others in their awkward moments.

Updates

K's mom's surgery went well. Good margins, now waiting for pathology and the oncologist appointment in two weeks.

K acts differently when she is with her mom. It is incredibly annoying, because she doesn't think it is happening and then blames my own sensitivity on it. I'm sure we will have a fight about it later tonight.

I wish I didn't turn to food whenever I am stressed. It is my first instinct now. After getting upset over the way K acts with her mom, my first thought is to turn to food... such a bad habit I need to break.

I was feeling good today, got a lot of work done, and now this. I don't have any mental fortitude. I wish I didn't feel things so viscerally.

Moving

So, K has talked me into moving into D's apartment when his tenants move out in October. It is exciting, but it also complicates our relationship with her family even more. We would lease our condo and then D would get the proceeds from that and then we would keep paying our individual mortgages? It is all very confusing...

Long term it will work out better for us with kids (if this doesn't get more complicated, seeing as her father will have an opinion on it, which neither her nor her mother have decided to clue him in on any of this as of yet...). Having more space and the bedrooms upstairs will allow us to have a good set up for putting the kids to bed then still being able to have people over.

We will see what happens.

Reconnecting

Met up with C today, the old friend that I ghosted 5 years ago, and had lunch. I was too nervous to eat, because while I know she told me that she has forgiven me, I've never been good at feeling worthy of other's forgiveness. I think we finally got over our initial nerves towards the end of the meal when talking about our significant others and had some real reconciling. While C and I never dated, there was always this ambiguity in our friendship, an undercurrent of emotions and we spent such a significant amount of time together. She apologized for her part in all of it, that we had this weird vibe and while she was clear that she only wanted friendship, her actions didn't always portray it that way. It felt nice to know that it wasn't all in my head or on me and her acknowledgment of my feelings and how hard it was to be close friends, but not ever cross that line.

Meanwhile, I am super glad we never crossed that line because we would have never been good for each other. I need a stable, monogamous, reassuring partner. While she was always looking for polyamory and adventure, knowing that she never wanted to settle down. There was nothing of those old feelings today and that was good. We are both happily partnered up with other people and legitimately just want to be friends.

Scary

K's mom has cancer.... What a frightening thing to say. This woman who has not made my acceptance into being a part of their family easy, now has a life threatening disease. From here on out, everything is on the back burner and I'm fearful for outcomes. While we haven't gotten along perfectly, I am attached to her and their family unit remaining intact.

I got teary about it when we were visiting K's grandmother and talking about it. K and her mom are both using humor to diffuse and remain "positive" while grandma, her dad, and I are feeling some sort of way about it. Her brother's both seem to be alright, though we haven't talked with P about it and D also has the same kind of blase "positivism" going on.

I really want K to get tested and start having yearly mammograms because it is not only affecting her mom, but also her mom's first cousin and her aunt (who died from it) have the same kind of breast cancer. She kind of blew me off at first, but relented when I said it would help me to have peace of mind.

We are going off to Blue Ridge this weekend with the 6 & 1/2 pack (new name I just created) so it will hopefully be a nice weekend away for K's birthday. {Update: we never went to Blue Ridge, stayed home and played games with friends}