It's been awhile...

My last post was from January and was excited about the company we started..... Well.... got stalled out on that. But, what I appreciate about K is that she will dive head first into things with me whether or not it comes to fruition right away. Red Bottle Cap will be something that we can hopefully get off the ground someday, but for now, other things have taken precedent.

After lots of discussion, we decided to not get married this year. To be honest, I'm so deeply disappointed and more than ever do I want to elope, not giving two shits about anyone else but us. But that is not K's dream, maybe it will be eventually, but not today. I've become bitter about church and her father in the process. I need to probably talk to a therapist about it. I just re-read this article that K's dad has been toting around promoting moderate-ism. Seeing as he falls about as moderate as they come, his ideas make sense, but he doesn't seem to live it. He wants us to be happy, supports us privately, but publicly, that's a whole different story. He told me (after K's best friend dropped a hint to K's mom about a dress) that his participation in a wedding would "depend on how public it is." I'm not sure how he compartmentalizes all of this. It makes more sense now that K just straight up avoids any discussion of her sexuality and our impending marriage. It just continues to hurt.

I digress. This post is more about our most recent trip to NYC. I thought K was crazy for making me do a 24 turn-around, but I am so grateful now that she did. I've fallen in love with seeing musical theater on Broadway. It is very much not the same as the tours that come to the Fox. We can never afford the seats that are upfront for those shows and the Fox is so big, you lose the intimacy of the smaller Broadway theaters.

The show we saw was "The Prom." K found out about it after seeing the cast perform on the Macy's Day Parade and we weren't really paying attention until the two lead women kissed. This show.... I needed this show so very much when I was in high school. I was head over heels in love with my best friend in high school and would've probably given anything for her to feel the same way and for us to go to prom together (fun fact: she skipped her senior prom and invited a group of kids [me included but I didn't go] to go drink at a cabin). She later came out to me about 5 years after high school, and the funniest part was that it was in her childhood room where I spent so many hours pining after her. Back to the show, it portrays a small town girl wanting to go to the prom with her girlfriend, which causes an uproar, then a news story gets in the hands of a group of aging Broadway stars who then show up and hi-jinks ensue.

But, the best thing about this show is that while it shows heartbreak, oppression,  and strife, the end is triumphant and such a happy ending. I bawled happy and sad tears at the same time watching the finale. Happy that they didn't make it an "it gets better" moment, but better is now! Sad that I wanted so badly to reclaim much of high school and be a more authentic me. I'm so thrilled that this next generation of LGBTQ+ youth will have representation in shows, television, media, etc. that is more positive than anything else portrayed previously. I've been teary-eyed and replaying the kiss from the musical on repeat.

Is it crazy that I have looked up flights and tickets to see the show again? "Fun Home" made me relate a couple of times, but it feels like, "The Prom" speaks directly to me. Anyhow, I just really wanna see more musicals now.

Company

Officially started our event production company recently! Red Bottle Cap Productions, LLC:

Epiphany

I had an "Aha!" moment this morning reading a post about marriage. The author asked, "Are you trying to get your partner to love you? Marriage is about focusing your intention on loving the other person as best you can, while trusting that they are doing the same."

I've been doing a pretty terrible job at loving K as best I can. I have plenty of excuses for why I've been acting/speaking the way I have towards K lately, but I know one thing for sure, it has been a piss poor job of loving her. I've spent a lot of time feeling my own emotions (and asking K to hear me talk about them) while disregarding her emotions and needs. In fact, she confronted me about it twice recently and I responded poorly both times, crying and defensive.

I'm going to apologize tonight and set my intentions towards the growth of this awareness. She is the love of my life and I ought to be treating her that way.

Finally Found Her

Sappy post warning: I am so incredibly lucky. It is pure luck that K and I ended up together. A fated moment that relied on others letting us down to bring us together. She manages to make me a better, happier version of myself. Even when we fight, we know neither one of us is going to run away, that we are in this for the long haul. She can make me laugh and smile with such simple things, she brings out the playfulness and joyfulness inside of me. All of this after being together for 4+ years.

I can only hope I provide her 1/10th of the amount of pure love she provides me.

Family Time

So, this Thanksgiving, we spent almost 5 straight days with K's family. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but, it was fairly fun. I'm glad they are in this new house with so many different gathering spaces. We could play games and watch movies in the basement. Eat and hang out in the kitchen area. The family room is attached to the kitchen and was home to lots of cooking shows and TV episodes. The formal living room was a getaway to talk to others without the TV or a great place to read a book. With 4 bedrooms, all of the out of towners had their own spaces too. Only problem was there was a lack of parking, but the neighbors were gone and we were able to use their driveway. I hope K and I can have a house like this someday, it felt nice to be included.

We made an epic cheese board (that cost almost $200) and everyone kept going on and on about it. I think we will have to make one every year now. I made some epic mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole as well. It was fun to show off my cooking abilities, I've gotten fairly good at making food.

K said we could spend that much time with my family over Christmas, but I don't think I would want to! My dad would make me mad more than he already does if we spent that much time together.

I hope this is another step towards acceptance though. I can only hope that the vote in February won't make it even harder with all of the UMC crap.

Connection and Intimacy

It is amazing how a little perspective can change something. K's BFF is making some curious choices in her marriage and it spurred some connection and intimacy in our relationship. It has felt so nice to be reconnected like that again after a fairly long period of time. I'm not sure if we have had that kind of intimacy in over a year. Scary to say that... We have had plenty of sex, but usually it was a means to an end and not something that was romantic and felt like a connection.

I think that is the one thing I would want our kids to understand. That sex does not equate intimacy and connection, a trusting, loving relationship is the only thing that can do that. Sex is often enjoyable in many ways, but intimacy is life-giving and soul enriching.

Also, all of that happened after my anxiety stuff earlier on Wednesday. K really is my perfect match, she was firm in having a better way to respond when I cannot reach her, but still very loving and understanding. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.

I'm a jerk

If I haven't said it yet, I have anxiety and it can spiral out of control sometimes. Today was one of those days...

I hadn't gotten a response from a text from K, I couldn't see her location, and then tried to call and the phone did a weird thing where it wouldn't ring at all. Then when I called back some other person answered the phone and hung up immediately. I proceeded to call back 6 more times and when she answered, she assumed that something was really wrong on my end. When she realized it was all me overreacting, she was less than pleased.

I'm gutted that I interrupted her work meeting, made her feel like I was being controlling, and made her mad at me for calling six times in a row.

I've deleted my ability to see her location and am currently crying in my office and feeling like a total jerk. Serves me right....

I need to get my anxiety under control...

Went back and listened to the song I wrote in 2011 about A, feeling like it is summing up what I just did now...