Anxiety

I was just watching a youtube video of Naomi Osaka who beat Serena Williams in the US Open last weekend (with much controversy surrounding the match), and I was uncomfortable watching her interact with Ellen DeGeneres on her show. She is very obviously not comfortable in the spotlight due to some form of introversion/anxiety. It made me think that I should try to be more open about how I feel about someone who is awkward in social situations. I am fairly comfortable meeting and talking to new people (I have my moments where I'm not). But, I cringe at people who struggle with conversation. I wonder if it is because of my brother, knowing and seeing what happened to him when he tried to interact socially (both when he was younger and even this summer at Uncle D's wedding). People can be cruel and mean to those who don't follow the "normalized" version of interacting with others.

We had small group last night (finally back at Manuel's Tavern!) and it was all about being a good listener and being seen. I felt most seen when I gave my words of witness to the church, but I had also never felt more anxious beforehand. I've always been fairly good at showing my best/happiest self in public, but behind the scenes I am melting down into a puddle of anxiety/depression. K sees me wholly and completely, she even checked in after small group to make sure that I know that she sees me for me. Felt very loved in that moment. I hope she feels the same.

Long story short, I can do better. As a person, friend, fiancee, at giving people a more authentic me and being understanding of others in their awkward moments.

Updates

K's mom's surgery went well. Good margins, now waiting for pathology and the oncologist appointment in two weeks.

K acts differently when she is with her mom. It is incredibly annoying, because she doesn't think it is happening and then blames my own sensitivity on it. I'm sure we will have a fight about it later tonight.

I wish I didn't turn to food whenever I am stressed. It is my first instinct now. After getting upset over the way K acts with her mom, my first thought is to turn to food... such a bad habit I need to break.

I was feeling good today, got a lot of work done, and now this. I don't have any mental fortitude. I wish I didn't feel things so viscerally.