Social Media and Commentary

We have entered an age where everyone and anyone, can and will, give their unfettered opinion regardless of situation or decorum. I know better than to read the comments section of an article or post, but somehow I end up rebelling against myself and doing it anyhow.

The divide that our country is experiencing currently seems to be wider than I have experienced in my lifetime. I should talk to my parents about how they experienced Nixon/JFK/MLK/Vietnam, but they grew up in the North as opposed to the South.

My initial reaction goes like this:
1. See an article that interests me
2. Read said article
3. Internal struggle surrounding reading the comments
4. Decide to read the comments anyway
5. Get extremely angry at people in general on both sides
6. Try to think of ways I can respond
7. Decide not to respond because then I am only contributing to the problem
8. Ponder why we are so divided as human beings
9. Think about ways I can help bring people together
10. Scrap ideas about ways to help bring people together because I am still angry at the ways I've been treated in the past/presently
11. Remind myself I ought to pray about things and give my fears and anger over to God to try to obtain peace/serenity

I cycle through this multiple times a day.

Still Angry

Still so very angry even after a good night's rest. How do you let go and forgive someone who betrayed you or someone you love? I know that I would hear a rational answer from my church friends/pastors: pray and give it up to God. Just makes me want to dig my heels in even more, I am and always have been pretty rebellious against authority figures (sometimes passive aggressively). I've done things I'm not proud of to people, in particular, I ghosted a friend that was overwhelming me and I was going through a rough time after losing my job and moving home. No good excuse, shouldn't have happened and wasn't very mature. I've also been a poor employee in the past. So, I guess I'm the pot calling the kettle black. 

My new perspective after this reality check is that most people, especially those that are closest to us, have the opportunity to hurt and disappoint us deeply, so how much rope are we willing to lend to others after the pain of betrayal? 

Betrayal

I am so unbelievably angry on K’s behalf. A friend, that she has had for more than 10 years and she helped her get a job working with her, not only didn’t do her job, said crap about her on the way out the door. There are so many things I want to say to her: how do you throw your friendship away for someone that you have known for less than a year? Did you forget about all the things that K did for you because you got your feelings hurt and didn’t talk it out with K? Were you manipulated by someone who is a drinking buddy more than anything? Are you really happy with your life and your choices? How could you ever call yourself a true friend and do what you did? You were supposed to be in our wedding!!! Fuck you, and all of this bullshit. If I ever see you again, I hope I have the strength to tell you what I think about you. You have disappointed me more than just about anyone in my life ever has. I hope you got what you wanted, this opportunity may not have ever happened for you without K.

Emotions

I'm having an emotional reaction to the anniversary of K's parents not giving their blessing for us to get engaged. Not sure if it is being exacerbated by having my period on top of it or what. I know I'm probably making a mountain out of an ant hill, but it sucks to feel like they don't want me to marry their daughter. What makes everything worse, is that they won't even acknowledge that we are getting married or talk to us about their concerns.

Man-splaining

Sitting on a work conference call and a senior official who is a man came in after missing the last 2 conference calls and shanghai'd the conversation then tried to make it seem like the senior manager of the task was over-reacting.

So frustrating.

Realizations

I'm struggling with being a part of a church. Specifically, the United Methodist Church. But, still church in general. I've become someone I don't like with my judgments of our services. I've gossiped and not been a leader. I also hate that we are meeting in a school while we renovate (strong advocate for separation of church and state at all costs, much to K's chagrin).

I think it kind of started after a church board meeting where they were asked to name someone who they thought was representative of a christian leader in our church. Two separate groups came up with my name and multiple people ended up telling me this news (but, I'm not sure they were supposed to tell me). At first, I was astounded, then I moved into feeling honored, then overwhelmed, then unworthy. I ended up mentioning it to one of our pastors after a service one day and didn't get a wonderful reaction from them. I think I've been burying it since then, but it made me feel like they thought I was a fraud. It's hard because I want to talk to them about it, but 1) pastors are chronically busy/dealing with bigger stuff & 2) I'm not sure I want to know the truth if they truly didn't believe I was worthy of people thinking I was representative of a christian leader...

All of this to say, I've never felt more disconnected from our church and I'm mostly to blame for that. Instead of working through my issues, I've been avoiding everything & everyone. I know the best thing to do is meet with the pastor and try to talk some of this stuff out... The pastors are on sabbatical right now because they are overwhelmed with everything with our church right now.