As I pressed post, she sent me a response. Not available that weekend. Send word if we come another time. That was it. Nothing about her life.
In that moment, realization hits, we really are strangers. I'm holding on to the girl from my past. She isn't her in the same way that I'm not me anymore. Clearly, she doesn't want to share anything with me. Guess she wasn't bluffing when she said I don't deserve anything from her, it's true, but it hurts. I got my hopes up when she left the door open, but then shut it again by deciding not to write anything about her. Hope this moves me closer to acceptance or closure of a relationship that is in the past now.
Why do I live in the past so much? I'm eaten up inside with all of the mistakes I've made and who I used to be and who I've hurt.
I don't disappear like I used to. I've tried to own up to my faults and apologize to those that I've hurt. I wish I could stop telling myself I'm the worst. In reality, I'm really not. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
Anxious
There are so many emotions happening right now.
About a month ago, I sent an apology message to my best friend from high school. I had no response for the last month and had peace that I had tried to apologize even if I got no response.
Bam, response yesterday. Half hurt, half curious to know more. God, having to revisit the worst part of my life was traumatic. But, she deserved honesty. Though, looking back now, I guess I could've been less descriptive.
I wrote a long and heartfelt look at why I disappeared. She responded with a kind, but short response. Now, I'm overthinking my last response because in my initial apology, I said K and I would be in LA in February. At the time, that was true. Then we bought K a new car (very exciting, albeit, costly) and decided not to go on the trip. That decision was made on Sunday. I received the response on Tuesday. So, I said yesterday that we hadn't booked the tickets yet. This seemed sketchy to me, so this morning I followed up with an explanation.
Radio silence. Rationally, it is still 8:30 AM in LA, need to give her more time to respond. Irrationally, I'm a hot mess. I have been since 12:30 yesterday when she responded for the first time. I'm jumping at every notification, hoping she will respond.
Please, God, help me release the anxiety I feel. I cannot control the outcome of this interaction. I owned my failure, I apologized, and expressed what I wanted moving forward. There is nothing more I can do. Please give me peace and acceptance for whatever may come now. Amen.
About a month ago, I sent an apology message to my best friend from high school. I had no response for the last month and had peace that I had tried to apologize even if I got no response.
Bam, response yesterday. Half hurt, half curious to know more. God, having to revisit the worst part of my life was traumatic. But, she deserved honesty. Though, looking back now, I guess I could've been less descriptive.
I wrote a long and heartfelt look at why I disappeared. She responded with a kind, but short response. Now, I'm overthinking my last response because in my initial apology, I said K and I would be in LA in February. At the time, that was true. Then we bought K a new car (very exciting, albeit, costly) and decided not to go on the trip. That decision was made on Sunday. I received the response on Tuesday. So, I said yesterday that we hadn't booked the tickets yet. This seemed sketchy to me, so this morning I followed up with an explanation.
Radio silence. Rationally, it is still 8:30 AM in LA, need to give her more time to respond. Irrationally, I'm a hot mess. I have been since 12:30 yesterday when she responded for the first time. I'm jumping at every notification, hoping she will respond.
Please, God, help me release the anxiety I feel. I cannot control the outcome of this interaction. I owned my failure, I apologized, and expressed what I wanted moving forward. There is nothing more I can do. Please give me peace and acceptance for whatever may come now. Amen.
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