Sappy post warning: I am so incredibly lucky. It is pure luck that K and I ended up together. A fated moment that relied on others letting us down to bring us together. She manages to make me a better, happier version of myself. Even when we fight, we know neither one of us is going to run away, that we are in this for the long haul. She can make me laugh and smile with such simple things, she brings out the playfulness and joyfulness inside of me. All of this after being together for 4+ years.
I can only hope I provide her 1/10th of the amount of pure love she provides me.
Monday, November 26, 2018
Family Time
So, this Thanksgiving, we spent almost 5 straight days with K's family. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but, it was fairly fun. I'm glad they are in this new house with so many different gathering spaces. We could play games and watch movies in the basement. Eat and hang out in the kitchen area. The family room is attached to the kitchen and was home to lots of cooking shows and TV episodes. The formal living room was a getaway to talk to others without the TV or a great place to read a book. With 4 bedrooms, all of the out of towners had their own spaces too. Only problem was there was a lack of parking, but the neighbors were gone and we were able to use their driveway. I hope K and I can have a house like this someday, it felt nice to be included.
We made an epic cheese board (that cost almost $200) and everyone kept going on and on about it. I think we will have to make one every year now. I made some epic mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole as well. It was fun to show off my cooking abilities, I've gotten fairly good at making food.
K said we could spend that much time with my family over Christmas, but I don't think I would want to! My dad would make me mad more than he already does if we spent that much time together.
I hope this is another step towards acceptance though. I can only hope that the vote in February won't make it even harder with all of the UMC crap.
We made an epic cheese board (that cost almost $200) and everyone kept going on and on about it. I think we will have to make one every year now. I made some epic mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole as well. It was fun to show off my cooking abilities, I've gotten fairly good at making food.
K said we could spend that much time with my family over Christmas, but I don't think I would want to! My dad would make me mad more than he already does if we spent that much time together.
I hope this is another step towards acceptance though. I can only hope that the vote in February won't make it even harder with all of the UMC crap.
Friday, November 9, 2018
Connection and Intimacy
It is amazing how a little perspective can change something. K's BFF is making some curious choices in her marriage and it spurred some connection and intimacy in our relationship. It has felt so nice to be reconnected like that again after a fairly long period of time. I'm not sure if we have had that kind of intimacy in over a year. Scary to say that... We have had plenty of sex, but usually it was a means to an end and not something that was romantic and felt like a connection.
I think that is the one thing I would want our kids to understand. That sex does not equate intimacy and connection, a trusting, loving relationship is the only thing that can do that. Sex is often enjoyable in many ways, but intimacy is life-giving and soul enriching.
Also, all of that happened after my anxiety stuff earlier on Wednesday. K really is my perfect match, she was firm in having a better way to respond when I cannot reach her, but still very loving and understanding. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.
I think that is the one thing I would want our kids to understand. That sex does not equate intimacy and connection, a trusting, loving relationship is the only thing that can do that. Sex is often enjoyable in many ways, but intimacy is life-giving and soul enriching.
Also, all of that happened after my anxiety stuff earlier on Wednesday. K really is my perfect match, she was firm in having a better way to respond when I cannot reach her, but still very loving and understanding. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
I'm a jerk
If I haven't said it yet, I have anxiety and it can spiral out of control sometimes. Today was one of those days...
I hadn't gotten a response from a text from K, I couldn't see her location, and then tried to call and the phone did a weird thing where it wouldn't ring at all. Then when I called back some other person answered the phone and hung up immediately. I proceeded to call back 6 more times and when she answered, she assumed that something was really wrong on my end. When she realized it was all me overreacting, she was less than pleased.
I'm gutted that I interrupted her work meeting, made her feel like I was being controlling, and made her mad at me for calling six times in a row.
I've deleted my ability to see her location and am currently crying in my office and feeling like a total jerk. Serves me right....
I need to get my anxiety under control...
Went back and listened to the song I wrote in 2011 about A, feeling like it is summing up what I just did now...
I hadn't gotten a response from a text from K, I couldn't see her location, and then tried to call and the phone did a weird thing where it wouldn't ring at all. Then when I called back some other person answered the phone and hung up immediately. I proceeded to call back 6 more times and when she answered, she assumed that something was really wrong on my end. When she realized it was all me overreacting, she was less than pleased.
I'm gutted that I interrupted her work meeting, made her feel like I was being controlling, and made her mad at me for calling six times in a row.
I've deleted my ability to see her location and am currently crying in my office and feeling like a total jerk. Serves me right....
I need to get my anxiety under control...
Went back and listened to the song I wrote in 2011 about A, feeling like it is summing up what I just did now...
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Election Day
Attempted to sleep/lounge in and it backfired. I truly believed there would be fewer people in the line this morning because of the early voting turn out. Serves me right. I will now stand in line around 4:00 PM instead. May still take me an hour and a half but at least my day will be behind me rather than in front of me.
Feels hard to say this, but I am less than hopeful to see the outcomes today. The last two years have felt like such a slog to get through it. All of that to say that I am a middle class white woman, I do not have it hard for those reasons. Yes, I'm a gender non-conforming, lesbian, woman, but the white part means that I will always have it better than others for the rest of my life.
Once again, I know better than to read the comments on anything, yet I seem to be drawn to feeling the live wire of people's unbridled opinions on things. They are visceral and sensational, more so than at any other time in my life currently. The fear and anger radiating off of conservative, white people, is so alive that it jumps off of the page. There are fewer coded words and more directly racist things being said by those in and out of the public spotlight.
The correlation of WWII Nazi-ism and today is extremely relevant. I'd be curious what it is like in History class in high schools around the country. What are the teachers saying to students about things like suppression of voters, harmful rhetoric, and the invalidation of media outlets? I know what my asshole U.S. History/Current Events teacher (really just the soccer coach who masqueraded as a "teacher") is probably saying to a classroom full of students in the now smaller county he works in. He showed us Bowling for Columbine then asked to write a paper on the 2nd amendment and we would have a discussion. He did such a poor job at reigning in the vocal conservative kids that one poor girl was scapegoated for the rest of the semester and labeled as, "emotional."
I have walked around with thoughts in my head like, "prepare yourself to see the worst in people" and "it is extremely unlikely that Georgia will elect an African-American woman as governor." I WANT to be hopeful and think that it is possibly to defy the odds, but after 2016 I lost my verve for positivism in this political landscape.
Feels hard to say this, but I am less than hopeful to see the outcomes today. The last two years have felt like such a slog to get through it. All of that to say that I am a middle class white woman, I do not have it hard for those reasons. Yes, I'm a gender non-conforming, lesbian, woman, but the white part means that I will always have it better than others for the rest of my life.
Once again, I know better than to read the comments on anything, yet I seem to be drawn to feeling the live wire of people's unbridled opinions on things. They are visceral and sensational, more so than at any other time in my life currently. The fear and anger radiating off of conservative, white people, is so alive that it jumps off of the page. There are fewer coded words and more directly racist things being said by those in and out of the public spotlight.
The correlation of WWII Nazi-ism and today is extremely relevant. I'd be curious what it is like in History class in high schools around the country. What are the teachers saying to students about things like suppression of voters, harmful rhetoric, and the invalidation of media outlets? I know what my asshole U.S. History/Current Events teacher (really just the soccer coach who masqueraded as a "teacher") is probably saying to a classroom full of students in the now smaller county he works in. He showed us Bowling for Columbine then asked to write a paper on the 2nd amendment and we would have a discussion. He did such a poor job at reigning in the vocal conservative kids that one poor girl was scapegoated for the rest of the semester and labeled as, "emotional."
I have walked around with thoughts in my head like, "prepare yourself to see the worst in people" and "it is extremely unlikely that Georgia will elect an African-American woman as governor." I WANT to be hopeful and think that it is possibly to defy the odds, but after 2016 I lost my verve for positivism in this political landscape.
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