Finally Found Her

Sappy post warning: I am so incredibly lucky. It is pure luck that K and I ended up together. A fated moment that relied on others letting us down to bring us together. She manages to make me a better, happier version of myself. Even when we fight, we know neither one of us is going to run away, that we are in this for the long haul. She can make me laugh and smile with such simple things, she brings out the playfulness and joyfulness inside of me. All of this after being together for 4+ years.

I can only hope I provide her 1/10th of the amount of pure love she provides me.

Family Time

So, this Thanksgiving, we spent almost 5 straight days with K's family. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but, it was fairly fun. I'm glad they are in this new house with so many different gathering spaces. We could play games and watch movies in the basement. Eat and hang out in the kitchen area. The family room is attached to the kitchen and was home to lots of cooking shows and TV episodes. The formal living room was a getaway to talk to others without the TV or a great place to read a book. With 4 bedrooms, all of the out of towners had their own spaces too. Only problem was there was a lack of parking, but the neighbors were gone and we were able to use their driveway. I hope K and I can have a house like this someday, it felt nice to be included.

We made an epic cheese board (that cost almost $200) and everyone kept going on and on about it. I think we will have to make one every year now. I made some epic mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole as well. It was fun to show off my cooking abilities, I've gotten fairly good at making food.

K said we could spend that much time with my family over Christmas, but I don't think I would want to! My dad would make me mad more than he already does if we spent that much time together.

I hope this is another step towards acceptance though. I can only hope that the vote in February won't make it even harder with all of the UMC crap.

Connection and Intimacy

It is amazing how a little perspective can change something. K's BFF is making some curious choices in her marriage and it spurred some connection and intimacy in our relationship. It has felt so nice to be reconnected like that again after a fairly long period of time. I'm not sure if we have had that kind of intimacy in over a year. Scary to say that... We have had plenty of sex, but usually it was a means to an end and not something that was romantic and felt like a connection.

I think that is the one thing I would want our kids to understand. That sex does not equate intimacy and connection, a trusting, loving relationship is the only thing that can do that. Sex is often enjoyable in many ways, but intimacy is life-giving and soul enriching.

Also, all of that happened after my anxiety stuff earlier on Wednesday. K really is my perfect match, she was firm in having a better way to respond when I cannot reach her, but still very loving and understanding. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.

I'm a jerk

If I haven't said it yet, I have anxiety and it can spiral out of control sometimes. Today was one of those days...

I hadn't gotten a response from a text from K, I couldn't see her location, and then tried to call and the phone did a weird thing where it wouldn't ring at all. Then when I called back some other person answered the phone and hung up immediately. I proceeded to call back 6 more times and when she answered, she assumed that something was really wrong on my end. When she realized it was all me overreacting, she was less than pleased.

I'm gutted that I interrupted her work meeting, made her feel like I was being controlling, and made her mad at me for calling six times in a row.

I've deleted my ability to see her location and am currently crying in my office and feeling like a total jerk. Serves me right....

I need to get my anxiety under control...

Went back and listened to the song I wrote in 2011 about A, feeling like it is summing up what I just did now...

Election Day

Attempted to sleep/lounge in and it backfired. I truly believed there would be fewer people in the line this morning because of the early voting turn out. Serves me right. I will now stand in line around 4:00 PM instead. May still take me an hour and a half but at least my day will be behind me rather than in front of me.

Feels hard to say this, but I am less than hopeful to see the outcomes today. The last two years have felt like such a slog to get through it. All of that to say that I am a middle class white woman, I do not have it hard for those reasons. Yes, I'm a gender non-conforming, lesbian, woman, but the white part means that I will always have it better than others for the rest of my life.

Once again, I know better than to read the comments on anything, yet I seem to be drawn to feeling the live wire of people's unbridled opinions on things. They are visceral and sensational, more so than at any other time in my life currently. The fear and anger radiating off of conservative, white people, is so alive that it jumps off of the page. There are fewer coded words and more directly racist things being said by those in and out of the public spotlight.

The correlation of WWII Nazi-ism and today is extremely relevant. I'd be curious what it is like in History class in high schools around the country. What are the teachers saying to students about things like suppression of voters, harmful rhetoric, and the invalidation of media outlets? I know what my asshole U.S. History/Current Events teacher (really just the soccer coach who masqueraded as a "teacher") is probably saying to a classroom full of students in the now smaller county he works in. He showed us Bowling for Columbine then asked to write a paper on the 2nd amendment and we would have a discussion. He did such a poor job at reigning in the vocal conservative kids that one poor girl was scapegoated for the rest of the semester and labeled as, "emotional."

I have walked around with thoughts in my head like, "prepare yourself to see the worst in people" and "it is extremely unlikely that Georgia will elect an African-American woman as governor." I WANT to be hopeful and think that it is possibly to defy the odds, but after 2016 I lost my verve for positivism in this political landscape.

Church

After a third friend posted this same article about faux LGBTQ+ churches, I feel compelled to hash out my feelings as I always do here. I am a member of a United Methodist Church. Currently, the UMC does not allow same-sex couples to marry in the church or allow clergy to marry same-sex couples anywhere. I knew all of this going into becoming a member, and even contemplated whether or not I should join the church in such a predicament seeing as K and I actively want to be married by our pastors inside the church building. The leadership at the church has been more than transparent and even created a celebration of marriage policy that would allow us to have a "service" in the building provided we were already civilly married. Still feels very separate but equal (which never ends well).

Edit: I started writing this a couple weeks ago and never finished my thoughts. Tomorrow, I'm going to speak with one of our pastors to talk about what we are going to talk about on Sunday for Pride. I'm not sure what I bring to the table other than hurt, but we will see.

I am still more than upset we are meeting at a school, the music is sub par at best (we sang the chorus of a song TEN times on Sunday), and I just feel so disconnected sometimes.

Anxiety

I was just watching a youtube video of Naomi Osaka who beat Serena Williams in the US Open last weekend (with much controversy surrounding the match), and I was uncomfortable watching her interact with Ellen DeGeneres on her show. She is very obviously not comfortable in the spotlight due to some form of introversion/anxiety. It made me think that I should try to be more open about how I feel about someone who is awkward in social situations. I am fairly comfortable meeting and talking to new people (I have my moments where I'm not). But, I cringe at people who struggle with conversation. I wonder if it is because of my brother, knowing and seeing what happened to him when he tried to interact socially (both when he was younger and even this summer at Uncle D's wedding). People can be cruel and mean to those who don't follow the "normalized" version of interacting with others.

We had small group last night (finally back at Manuel's Tavern!) and it was all about being a good listener and being seen. I felt most seen when I gave my words of witness to the church, but I had also never felt more anxious beforehand. I've always been fairly good at showing my best/happiest self in public, but behind the scenes I am melting down into a puddle of anxiety/depression. K sees me wholly and completely, she even checked in after small group to make sure that I know that she sees me for me. Felt very loved in that moment. I hope she feels the same.

Long story short, I can do better. As a person, friend, fiancee, at giving people a more authentic me and being understanding of others in their awkward moments.

Updates

K's mom's surgery went well. Good margins, now waiting for pathology and the oncologist appointment in two weeks.

K acts differently when she is with her mom. It is incredibly annoying, because she doesn't think it is happening and then blames my own sensitivity on it. I'm sure we will have a fight about it later tonight.

I wish I didn't turn to food whenever I am stressed. It is my first instinct now. After getting upset over the way K acts with her mom, my first thought is to turn to food... such a bad habit I need to break.

I was feeling good today, got a lot of work done, and now this. I don't have any mental fortitude. I wish I didn't feel things so viscerally.

Moving

So, K has talked me into moving into D's apartment when his tenants move out in October. It is exciting, but it also complicates our relationship with her family even more. We would lease our condo and then D would get the proceeds from that and then we would keep paying our individual mortgages? It is all very confusing...

Long term it will work out better for us with kids (if this doesn't get more complicated, seeing as her father will have an opinion on it, which neither her nor her mother have decided to clue him in on any of this as of yet...). Having more space and the bedrooms upstairs will allow us to have a good set up for putting the kids to bed then still being able to have people over.

We will see what happens.

Reconnecting

Met up with C today, the old friend that I ghosted 5 years ago, and had lunch. I was too nervous to eat, because while I know she told me that she has forgiven me, I've never been good at feeling worthy of other's forgiveness. I think we finally got over our initial nerves towards the end of the meal when talking about our significant others and had some real reconciling. While C and I never dated, there was always this ambiguity in our friendship, an undercurrent of emotions and we spent such a significant amount of time together. She apologized for her part in all of it, that we had this weird vibe and while she was clear that she only wanted friendship, her actions didn't always portray it that way. It felt nice to know that it wasn't all in my head or on me and her acknowledgment of my feelings and how hard it was to be close friends, but not ever cross that line.

Meanwhile, I am super glad we never crossed that line because we would have never been good for each other. I need a stable, monogamous, reassuring partner. While she was always looking for polyamory and adventure, knowing that she never wanted to settle down. There was nothing of those old feelings today and that was good. We are both happily partnered up with other people and legitimately just want to be friends.

Scary

K's mom has cancer.... What a frightening thing to say. This woman who has not made my acceptance into being a part of their family easy, now has a life threatening disease. From here on out, everything is on the back burner and I'm fearful for outcomes. While we haven't gotten along perfectly, I am attached to her and their family unit remaining intact.

I got teary about it when we were visiting K's grandmother and talking about it. K and her mom are both using humor to diffuse and remain "positive" while grandma, her dad, and I are feeling some sort of way about it. Her brother's both seem to be alright, though we haven't talked with P about it and D also has the same kind of blase "positivism" going on.

I really want K to get tested and start having yearly mammograms because it is not only affecting her mom, but also her mom's first cousin and her aunt (who died from it) have the same kind of breast cancer. She kind of blew me off at first, but relented when I said it would help me to have peace of mind.

We are going off to Blue Ridge this weekend with the 6 & 1/2 pack (new name I just created) so it will hopefully be a nice weekend away for K's birthday. {Update: we never went to Blue Ridge, stayed home and played games with friends}

Social Media and Commentary

We have entered an age where everyone and anyone, can and will, give their unfettered opinion regardless of situation or decorum. I know better than to read the comments section of an article or post, but somehow I end up rebelling against myself and doing it anyhow.

The divide that our country is experiencing currently seems to be wider than I have experienced in my lifetime. I should talk to my parents about how they experienced Nixon/JFK/MLK/Vietnam, but they grew up in the North as opposed to the South.

My initial reaction goes like this:
1. See an article that interests me
2. Read said article
3. Internal struggle surrounding reading the comments
4. Decide to read the comments anyway
5. Get extremely angry at people in general on both sides
6. Try to think of ways I can respond
7. Decide not to respond because then I am only contributing to the problem
8. Ponder why we are so divided as human beings
9. Think about ways I can help bring people together
10. Scrap ideas about ways to help bring people together because I am still angry at the ways I've been treated in the past/presently
11. Remind myself I ought to pray about things and give my fears and anger over to God to try to obtain peace/serenity

I cycle through this multiple times a day.

Still Angry

Still so very angry even after a good night's rest. How do you let go and forgive someone who betrayed you or someone you love? I know that I would hear a rational answer from my church friends/pastors: pray and give it up to God. Just makes me want to dig my heels in even more, I am and always have been pretty rebellious against authority figures (sometimes passive aggressively). I've done things I'm not proud of to people, in particular, I ghosted a friend that was overwhelming me and I was going through a rough time after losing my job and moving home. No good excuse, shouldn't have happened and wasn't very mature. I've also been a poor employee in the past. So, I guess I'm the pot calling the kettle black. 

My new perspective after this reality check is that most people, especially those that are closest to us, have the opportunity to hurt and disappoint us deeply, so how much rope are we willing to lend to others after the pain of betrayal? 

Betrayal

I am so unbelievably angry on K’s behalf. A friend, that she has had for more than 10 years and she helped her get a job working with her, not only didn’t do her job, said crap about her on the way out the door. There are so many things I want to say to her: how do you throw your friendship away for someone that you have known for less than a year? Did you forget about all the things that K did for you because you got your feelings hurt and didn’t talk it out with K? Were you manipulated by someone who is a drinking buddy more than anything? Are you really happy with your life and your choices? How could you ever call yourself a true friend and do what you did? You were supposed to be in our wedding!!! Fuck you, and all of this bullshit. If I ever see you again, I hope I have the strength to tell you what I think about you. You have disappointed me more than just about anyone in my life ever has. I hope you got what you wanted, this opportunity may not have ever happened for you without K.

Emotions

I'm having an emotional reaction to the anniversary of K's parents not giving their blessing for us to get engaged. Not sure if it is being exacerbated by having my period on top of it or what. I know I'm probably making a mountain out of an ant hill, but it sucks to feel like they don't want me to marry their daughter. What makes everything worse, is that they won't even acknowledge that we are getting married or talk to us about their concerns.

Man-splaining

Sitting on a work conference call and a senior official who is a man came in after missing the last 2 conference calls and shanghai'd the conversation then tried to make it seem like the senior manager of the task was over-reacting.

So frustrating.

Realizations

I'm struggling with being a part of a church. Specifically, the United Methodist Church. But, still church in general. I've become someone I don't like with my judgments of our services. I've gossiped and not been a leader. I also hate that we are meeting in a school while we renovate (strong advocate for separation of church and state at all costs, much to K's chagrin).

I think it kind of started after a church board meeting where they were asked to name someone who they thought was representative of a christian leader in our church. Two separate groups came up with my name and multiple people ended up telling me this news (but, I'm not sure they were supposed to tell me). At first, I was astounded, then I moved into feeling honored, then overwhelmed, then unworthy. I ended up mentioning it to one of our pastors after a service one day and didn't get a wonderful reaction from them. I think I've been burying it since then, but it made me feel like they thought I was a fraud. It's hard because I want to talk to them about it, but 1) pastors are chronically busy/dealing with bigger stuff & 2) I'm not sure I want to know the truth if they truly didn't believe I was worthy of people thinking I was representative of a christian leader...

All of this to say, I've never felt more disconnected from our church and I'm mostly to blame for that. Instead of working through my issues, I've been avoiding everything & everyone. I know the best thing to do is meet with the pastor and try to talk some of this stuff out... The pastors are on sabbatical right now because they are overwhelmed with everything with our church right now.

New Business

SO, K got the loan to pay of credit cards and is feeling peachy about spending money/starting a business. I am cautiously on board, because she wants to start a photo booth and event management company. It will be little overhead to start (though I think it will cost more than she does) which is good because it will take some time to build up the business. We will see how this goes. Currently, I'm researching all of the photo booth companies in the ATL area. There are total about 100, but 75 of them are not well advertised online (in the back pages of The Knot) yet still in business. If we run 10-15 events we will break even for the business not including K running event management things for weddings/birthdays/etc.

K has a dream of working for herself which scares the crap out of me because she is the breadwinner in our household. If it works though, we could see some significant money.

Blogging

On a separate note, this blog feels so freeing to write down my thoughts without thinking about who will read it and interpret it. I'm sure some internet wiz may find it eventually, but for now it is a great place to vent, put my thoughts down, and express my feelings without judgment. Feels nice.

Struggle

I've struggled with liking myself almost all of my life. There is the voice of anxiety and depression in the back of my head telling me that I'm not good enough. Sometimes it is easy to tune that out, other times... not so much.

Today, I've been looking at pictures from Uncle D's wedding of K and I, for the first time in a long time, I like the way I look. I can still be critical about it, but all I see is happiness and true love. K has saved me in a way that no one else ever has. Unconditional love is pretty amazing.

Also, K broke down and let us buy a new TV for our room. I'm not sure she realized how big 55" is, but now she does!

Half Truths

How many times have I repeated something without researching it? Too many to count. I trust the word of those in an authority position over me more than I should. I struggle with rebelling and wanting to please authority at the same time. Not my best quality.

The whole purpose of this post is about something that K's mom said to me about watermelon. We were all talking about WW and what fruit we are consuming copious amounts of (fruit is 0sp on WW). I piped up and said that watermelon has been my choice as of late. Immediately, K's mom states that watermelon is FULL of sugar and that someone (like a dentist or doctor) told her to steer clear of it and eat only other melons (ei: cantelope, honeydew).

This didn't sound right to me, but I still exclaimed, "Really?!" I did a quick google search the next day and did see that watermelon is indeed higher in sugar (17 grams per serving vs 11 grams per serving) than other melons by about 6 grams. Daily intake is between 25-50 depending on your source and diet or 12-24% more which is significant.

Now, I'm not denying that is more than other melons at all. But, it got me thinking about sugar content in other fruits so I did some additional research. And, wow, there are some of her favorites right up there with watermelon. One cup of blueberries, apricots, grapes, plums, and guava are all 15 grams.  Pineapple is 16 grams. So is a pear. One cup of mango pieces? You are looking at 23 grams! A serving of apple is 25 grams!! Your whole damn day gone in one apple.

The usual suspects (citrus) were all very low. What surprised me the most was, strawberries. How are we not calling them a super fruit?? Only 7 grams of sugar per serving.

Anyhow, in the end, K's mom was not wrong, but only gave a small window into the bigger picture. I have since cut my fruit intake (aside from me still eating a significant portion of watermelon right now :) and have been trying to drink more water. Side effect to drinking more water, peeing every hour :(

On the up and up, I lost another 1.8 pounds this week! Almost at 12 pounds down and I got to cross off another number on my chart. 3 pounds from 5% of my body weight, feeling really good, too. I think that is the best part of all the changes, I feel so much better. I need to remind myself of that the next time I want the large serving of garlic fries (damn you, Braves stadium food!). I have had very few cravings or feeling like I've been denied of something doing WW. I really feel like this program is great in so many ways. I've not been obsessing about caloric intake (like I did with MyFitnessPal) or greatly missing sugar/carbs (like with Whole30). The only issue I have is that they don't explain what equals 1 point, so we will have to continue to pay and use their tracking system. Until we are no longer successful using the system, I will happily pay to make better changes and teach myself better portions (which I think is a big part of this whole thing).

Barrier

I'm feeling like 274 pounds is a barrier I just cannot break through. We will see what happens on Friday, but this morning I was back above 274! The first 8 pounds came off like gang busters, now I keep hovering, going below and back up again.

K did come up with a fun idea that she saw from another WW insta, which was this poster board that is covered in washi tape and has a countdown of each pound lost from our highest weight to our goal weight. It turned out great!

Inevitability

PS: my post on the app trending for several hours! 1800 likes and 450 comments!

So, this always happens after I have a freak out about finances. Talking to K last night about saving for the wedding... I said no more take out lunches, only bring from home. Totally forgot that I was going to lunch with some co-workers and had to beg K for forgiveness. Maybe that'll teach me to give someone else a hard time when it is inevitable that it will happen to me soon after.

Attention

I may or may not have posted a #transformationtuesday on the WW app to see if I could get people to comment/like my post.

And, boy, did I ever get comments and likes! The validation feels nice, but I feel like a poser for seeking it from strangers. I did text K and my mom (who still hasn't responded, hope it is because she is taking a nap). K gave me some good validation, as well.

It is taking me about 14 days, but I have finally worked back down to almost 10 pounds down again. Not sure I want to slip up again like that, it is much harder to get back on track when I do...

Solution

It is amazing how little home ownership knowledge I have, I need to remedy that. K researched about home equity lines of credit and found that could be a solution for us. We spent two hours at the bank yesterday to only be denied in the end because her length of credit history wasn't long enough and she was maxed out on her available credit.

In the end, we will still need her dad to cosign on the line of credit (which he agreed to do and they will be closing on it Friday). This is probably the best solution that could have happened. We are getting out from under $30K in credit cards and the interest rate is only 3.49% compared to almost 30% we were paying. He still pushed the roommate idea to pay them off even faster, but K finally convinced him that it was unnecessary due to how much we are already committing to pay monthly. 

Still sucks to have parental involvement but, it is a better outcome than I had envisioned on Tuesday. 

Frustrated Beyond Belief

K decided to tell her dad just now about all of her credit card debt....

This was not the plan.... I wanted K to discuss with her grandma who has a trust that paid for the condo to begin with and ask to refinance the mortgage and free up the money to pay off the credit cards.

He wants us to get a roommate and pay $1200 per month for two years. That would be great if we weren't getting married in 18 months. I already feel a battle brewing, I have been free and clear of parental rule for over 10 years.

I'm not sure what is going to happen this weekend when we meet with them.

Money

K and I are having our first big argument about money.... And it sucks big time. Her car's A/C is broken and she has a leak that would need to be fixed before her birthday because of emissions requirements. To fix the A/C, it would be around $1,700 and to fix the leak, it would be around $800. Her car is not worth more than $2,500 so it doesn't make sense to fix it now. Especially sucks, because we just put about $1,000 into the car with new tires and brakes... Which she pushed for and I didn't want to repair just yet, but then I also pushed to keep this car for another 2 years until after we got married. Ugh.

Now... The buying of a car issue. She has an extreme emotional want to buy an SUV. Every time I bring up not getting an SUV, it comes back to her dream, that it is something that she has wanted since she started driving. I get it, I truly do. She doesn't want to spend money (each time she says it, I hear in her statement that she doesn't want to spend HER money even though she isn't explicitly saying that) on something she wouldn't be happy driving. She also used a low blow tactic of saying that it will be easier with a car seat and children if we have an SUV (still doesn't make it a necessity, plenty of people use sedans and quite frankly if she wants to throw that out there, then I would rather go ahead and buy a minivan).

I got really frustrated with this and just threw, "want versus need. What do you need? A reliable car with A/C" back at her... She hasn't responded after being very engaged in our texting conversation. I know she is pissed at me, but she has never had to struggle with money and make hard decisions about what really is necessary in a purchase... I'm not sure how this one is gonna end, but I'm not looking forward to our in person conversation tonight. Also, I'm willing to bet $20 that she will work late tonight to avoid coming home to talk to me but, will blame it on work after coming back from our trip.

Well....

Well, the trip to Harry Potter World was extremely eventful. Let's start with that I got vertigo the morning we were leaving and ended up going to the E.R. because of an overly cautious urgent care doctor who said that I was presenting atypically for vertigo only to be told, yup, it is vertigo.

We had to rush to pack and then I went with K to her colleague's camp house to sleep until we had to leave to prepare for the 300+ people. The buses were late, the buses were not up to the standards that we expected, then at 3 AM on the way down, one of the buses had to be sent back home because the shocks were broken on it. Then another bus had a broken bumper, one didn't have a bathroom, it was all just a hot mess. Finally made it to Orlando around 9:00 AM and changed clothes to prepare to go to the park.

The park... it was completely and utterly magical! The atmosphere, watching the wand ceremony (I got chills and teary), all of the shops and iconic items. Then, the lights show at the Hogwarts castle at night with fireworks! I've never felt more like a little kid and so excited to see all of it. So glad that E & K were with us! Unfortunately, I didn't get to ride anything except the train, but the experience was extraordinary.

The trip home was even worse for buses, two more broke down in Valdosta and K had to stay behind to wait for replacements. I got back around 6:00 and K finally got back around 10:00 PM. We were exhausted to say the least and slept 12 hours into the next day.

The only bad part is that I did "treat myself" with all of the food I am trying to avoid. I didn't feel deprived, but I did go over all of my points for the day, week, and my fit points. When I weighed myself on Monday, I had gained 3 pounds back. Ugh. So, back to the grind, ate within my points yesterday and have a plan for this week.

Now, if only the vertigo wasn't killing me since I cannot take the medicine and drive/work... 

Conversation Hogs

I find several things very annoying when having a conversation with someone else. At the top of that list is: not being aware that you are taking up all the air in the room during a conversation because you won't let anyone else get a word in edge wise. The definition of conversation: the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words. The key word there is exchange. I don't enjoy sitting and listening to others tell me all of their ideas the entire time. I want to be engaged and share my thoughts as well!

Not My Best

K asked me for help this morning editing a document. Unfortunately, the timing was poor. It was already 5 minutes after I usually leave for work. So, I sent off a text that I would be late into the office and started to task. It took me a lot longer than I wanted it to take. Then, I lashed out at K about it and how I could've easily finished this at my desk at work rather than giving her what I did, which was less than my best effort, because I was frustrated that it needed to happen right then and there.

I have a tendency to lash out at the people I love, then regret it and apologize later. I think I need more introspection to figure out this behavior and how to eliminate it. Often, I refer to myself as the "first son" from the parable in Matthew. I get the job done, but not without voicing my displeasure. Truly, I want to be the person who is tasked with something and does it with pleasure. Hopefully, I'll get there someday.

Food

Sometimes I feel like a prisoner to food. It is something I need to survive, but I struggle heavily with overeating and emotional eating. Since we started WW, things have been a lot easier because there is a formula to this, rules and boundaries, which make it simple. I do well with rules and structure. I struggle with free form and chaos. My worry is that, this weekend I may fall of the rails with my eating/drinking because I am not going to be in my routine. My intentions are there and I have the app, the rules, and the accountability. I guess I need to believe in myself a little more, that I am capable of being greater than my own worst enemy.

All of the Friends

This weekend was slightly chaotic. Last week, friends from Vermont wanted to come down and stay with us while they looked into possibly moving down here. We agreed without thinking about the fact that we had to dog sit (again, not complaining at all! we are paid for it) for P & E. We set up the guest room in the condo beautifully only to have them stay with us for two nights at P & E's house. Also, we missed out on going to the mountain cabin with K & N and K & E :(

Then, C had a party at her house to celebrate the beginning of her renovation with M expanding the house for the both of them. Unfortunately, something I ate made me so sick that I relived my early days of living with C and getting so drunk that I slept on the bathroom floor. Sad that I didn't get to spend more time with them and puking sucks in general.

Finally, we saw Avengers: Infinity War with K & E (who are always fun to hang with), but they killed off half of the damn universe and my anxiety level was at a 10 during the whole movie! PS- spoiler alert ;)

Hopefully this week flies by because... HARRY POTTER!! The insane trip that is 7 charter buses and almost 200 girl scouts to Orlando overnight and back in 72 hours begins! I'm embarrassingly excited to get to ride the train to Hogwarts and see all of the HP glory at Universal. Friday cannot come soon enough.

Reverse Ups and Downs

So, I'm doing reverse ups and downs today!

As of this morning, according to E's scale (which is not kosher, I should have waited and used the scale at home), I am down more than 5 lbs! Feeling great so far and not hungry in the least. Would like to go to the gym more (can't believe I actually want to!), but life is increasingly busier as I age with more responsibilities (work, church, friends, family, etc. PS: how are we going to handle throwing children into this mess??) and I need to be kind to myself that we don't always meet our goals & expectations for the week rather than get frustrated.

Speaking of frustrated...

My blood pressure is up. There is one thing I really dislike, being accused of doing something wrong then doing the research and finding out the "accuser" is factually incorrect. How do you either, A) not get defensive? or B) respond in a firm, yet nice way that while you don't want to rub it in their face (not true, I totally do) that I DID NOT do what you are accusing me doing (note: in a very passive aggressive, condescending tone via email). I can only hope the way I responded to this incident did not incur an additional infraction. For the record, I responded that I would fix it then sent a follow up email with PROOF that "someone" else did the thing I was being accused of doing.

Whoa. I'm old now.

What a trip! I had completely forgotten about this blog that I started 7 1/2 years ago. The girl writing it was so unabashedly hopeful it makes me yearn for those years. Though, if I am being honest, that girl was a hot damn mess in so many ways!

I'm still the same musical loving, sports obsessed, (somewhat) hopeful person.  I've found the woman who will love me back no matter what and the job I know I can do for the rest of my career.  I'm not living paycheck to paycheck, but I'm not wealthy either. I'm attending a church and feeling more connected spiritually than I have since I was in high school. In the same breath, I could not be more frustrated with the circumstances surrounding organized religion and the role it is playing in my impending marriage (yes, I am engaged! 23 year old me is completely surprised that I finally found someone worthwhile).

I've learned some hard lessons along the way, made numerous critical mistakes that could have been prevented, and felt some incredible pain (both emotional and physical, fucking gallbladders & kidneys).  The older I get, the more I realize "adulting" is making good decisions and acting on them in a timely manner over and over and over and over again. It is both boring and comforting to know.

Updated list of things I love (in a randomly particular order):
K <3
My parents & brother
Movies! For posterity, there is this thing called MoviePass that is so awesome, but completely and utterly unsustainable
Traveling, next trip is to Universal to see Harry Potter galore!
Softball (even though I don't play anymore)
Music
Art
Food (a little too much, started WeightWatchers last week and am down 3 pounds, so is K!)
My friends who are like family

I still know money isn't everything, but it sure is helpful. I still love to be the worker bee and not the boss, but have become more vocal about my needs. I still want to be a parent to a foster/adopted child, but have a strong desire (for K) to birth a child for us.

Let's see if I look at this again sooner rather than later!