I am continually upset about the way K's parents treat her and our relationship. And the hardest part is that there really is no way to fix it without conversations that may never happen. I've been confronted with some hard thoughts over the past week, wondering if our wedding/marriage can really happen without their support.
After getting kicked out of my house as a young adult, I changed the way I interacted with my parents once we reconciled. Their opinions no longer carried the same weight, the decisions they wanted me to make stopped being commandments and started being optional. This has been a wonderful thing for me as they have learned to support me without enabling me. Something K's parents have yet to learn to do for their children.
On Sunday, we were at K's BFF's son's 2nd birthday party with her grandmother and mother. This was a setting I was already uncomfortable in as the people in this setting don't approve of K and I, nor have they ever been friendly to me. So, it was nice when someone K went to high school with spoke to me and asked questions. As she was asking me questions, she asked both K and I if we wanted kids. I immediately responded "yes" and K immediately responded "not sure". I looked around and saw K's mom walking away from our conversation. I made a comment to K about how her answer changed based on if her mom was listening or not, she mumbled some response and it was very uncomfortable and awkward.
I spent the rest of the day fighting off tears thinking that there was no way for our relationship to move forward. We had a fight in the car where I basically made an ultimatum, we need to break up or I can no longer spend time with both K and her mom in public, accusing K of either lying to me or her mom. She stated that she is fearful of the criticism she receives from her mom and so that is why she lies to her mom.
We haven't had another pre-marital counseling session since we came back from Alaska. We need one. I have so much I want to rant at her parents about. How much they have hurt her and affected our relationship. I'm not sure what to do or how we move forward when her family wont have hard conversations.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Thursday, June 13, 2019
It's been awhile...
My last post was from January and was excited about the company we started..... Well.... got stalled out on that. But, what I appreciate about K is that she will dive head first into things with me whether or not it comes to fruition right away. Red Bottle Cap will be something that we can hopefully get off the ground someday, but for now, other things have taken precedent.
After lots of discussion, we decided to not get married this year. To be honest, I'm so deeply disappointed and more than ever do I want to elope, not giving two shits about anyone else but us. But that is not K's dream, maybe it will be eventually, but not today. I've become bitter about church and her father in the process. I need to probably talk to a therapist about it. I just re-read this article that K's dad has been toting around promoting moderate-ism. Seeing as he falls about as moderate as they come, his ideas make sense, but he doesn't seem to live it. He wants us to be happy, supports us privately, but publicly, that's a whole different story. He told me (after K's best friend dropped a hint to K's mom about a dress) that his participation in a wedding would "depend on how public it is." I'm not sure how he compartmentalizes all of this. It makes more sense now that K just straight up avoids any discussion of her sexuality and our impending marriage. It just continues to hurt.
I digress. This post is more about our most recent trip to NYC. I thought K was crazy for making me do a 24 turn-around, but I am so grateful now that she did. I've fallen in love with seeing musical theater on Broadway. It is very much not the same as the tours that come to the Fox. We can never afford the seats that are upfront for those shows and the Fox is so big, you lose the intimacy of the smaller Broadway theaters.
The show we saw was "The Prom." K found out about it after seeing the cast perform on the Macy's Day Parade and we weren't really paying attention until the two lead women kissed. This show.... I needed this show so very much when I was in high school. I was head over heels in love with my best friend in high school and would've probably given anything for her to feel the same way and for us to go to prom together (fun fact: she skipped her senior prom and invited a group of kids [me included but I didn't go] to go drink at a cabin). She later came out to me about 5 years after high school, and the funniest part was that it was in her childhood room where I spent so many hours pining after her. Back to the show, it portrays a small town girl wanting to go to the prom with her girlfriend, which causes an uproar, then a news story gets in the hands of a group of aging Broadway stars who then show up and hi-jinks ensue.
But, the best thing about this show is that while it shows heartbreak, oppression, and strife, the end is triumphant and such a happy ending. I bawled happy and sad tears at the same time watching the finale. Happy that they didn't make it an "it gets better" moment, but better is now! Sad that I wanted so badly to reclaim much of high school and be a more authentic me. I'm so thrilled that this next generation of LGBTQ+ youth will have representation in shows, television, media, etc. that is more positive than anything else portrayed previously. I've been teary-eyed and replaying the kiss from the musical on repeat.
Is it crazy that I have looked up flights and tickets to see the show again? "Fun Home" made me relate a couple of times, but it feels like, "The Prom" speaks directly to me. Anyhow, I just really wanna see more musicals now.
After lots of discussion, we decided to not get married this year. To be honest, I'm so deeply disappointed and more than ever do I want to elope, not giving two shits about anyone else but us. But that is not K's dream, maybe it will be eventually, but not today. I've become bitter about church and her father in the process. I need to probably talk to a therapist about it. I just re-read this article that K's dad has been toting around promoting moderate-ism. Seeing as he falls about as moderate as they come, his ideas make sense, but he doesn't seem to live it. He wants us to be happy, supports us privately, but publicly, that's a whole different story. He told me (after K's best friend dropped a hint to K's mom about a dress) that his participation in a wedding would "depend on how public it is." I'm not sure how he compartmentalizes all of this. It makes more sense now that K just straight up avoids any discussion of her sexuality and our impending marriage. It just continues to hurt.
I digress. This post is more about our most recent trip to NYC. I thought K was crazy for making me do a 24 turn-around, but I am so grateful now that she did. I've fallen in love with seeing musical theater on Broadway. It is very much not the same as the tours that come to the Fox. We can never afford the seats that are upfront for those shows and the Fox is so big, you lose the intimacy of the smaller Broadway theaters.
The show we saw was "The Prom." K found out about it after seeing the cast perform on the Macy's Day Parade and we weren't really paying attention until the two lead women kissed. This show.... I needed this show so very much when I was in high school. I was head over heels in love with my best friend in high school and would've probably given anything for her to feel the same way and for us to go to prom together (fun fact: she skipped her senior prom and invited a group of kids [me included but I didn't go] to go drink at a cabin). She later came out to me about 5 years after high school, and the funniest part was that it was in her childhood room where I spent so many hours pining after her. Back to the show, it portrays a small town girl wanting to go to the prom with her girlfriend, which causes an uproar, then a news story gets in the hands of a group of aging Broadway stars who then show up and hi-jinks ensue.
But, the best thing about this show is that while it shows heartbreak, oppression, and strife, the end is triumphant and such a happy ending. I bawled happy and sad tears at the same time watching the finale. Happy that they didn't make it an "it gets better" moment, but better is now! Sad that I wanted so badly to reclaim much of high school and be a more authentic me. I'm so thrilled that this next generation of LGBTQ+ youth will have representation in shows, television, media, etc. that is more positive than anything else portrayed previously. I've been teary-eyed and replaying the kiss from the musical on repeat.
Is it crazy that I have looked up flights and tickets to see the show again? "Fun Home" made me relate a couple of times, but it feels like, "The Prom" speaks directly to me. Anyhow, I just really wanna see more musicals now.
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