Met up with C today, the old friend that I ghosted 5 years ago, and had lunch. I was too nervous to eat, because while I know she told me that she has forgiven me, I've never been good at feeling worthy of other's forgiveness. I think we finally got over our initial nerves towards the end of the meal when talking about our significant others and had some real reconciling. While C and I never dated, there was always this ambiguity in our friendship, an undercurrent of emotions and we spent such a significant amount of time together. She apologized for her part in all of it, that we had this weird vibe and while she was clear that she only wanted friendship, her actions didn't always portray it that way. It felt nice to know that it wasn't all in my head or on me and her acknowledgment of my feelings and how hard it was to be close friends, but not ever cross that line.
Meanwhile, I am super glad we never crossed that line because we would have never been good for each other. I need a stable, monogamous, reassuring partner. While she was always looking for polyamory and adventure, knowing that she never wanted to settle down. There was nothing of those old feelings today and that was good. We are both happily partnered up with other people and legitimately just want to be friends.
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