Realizations

I'm struggling with being a part of a church. Specifically, the United Methodist Church. But, still church in general. I've become someone I don't like with my judgments of our services. I've gossiped and not been a leader. I also hate that we are meeting in a school while we renovate (strong advocate for separation of church and state at all costs, much to K's chagrin).

I think it kind of started after a church board meeting where they were asked to name someone who they thought was representative of a christian leader in our church. Two separate groups came up with my name and multiple people ended up telling me this news (but, I'm not sure they were supposed to tell me). At first, I was astounded, then I moved into feeling honored, then overwhelmed, then unworthy. I ended up mentioning it to one of our pastors after a service one day and didn't get a wonderful reaction from them. I think I've been burying it since then, but it made me feel like they thought I was a fraud. It's hard because I want to talk to them about it, but 1) pastors are chronically busy/dealing with bigger stuff & 2) I'm not sure I want to know the truth if they truly didn't believe I was worthy of people thinking I was representative of a christian leader...

All of this to say, I've never felt more disconnected from our church and I'm mostly to blame for that. Instead of working through my issues, I've been avoiding everything & everyone. I know the best thing to do is meet with the pastor and try to talk some of this stuff out... The pastors are on sabbatical right now because they are overwhelmed with everything with our church right now.